Turks Party
by Zeng Li
Summary: Reno throws a series of parties...and Tseng is always sorry he shows up. Includes Before Crisis Turks characters in some 2007 chapter revisions and the final 2009 chapter.
1. Turks Party

_Turks Party_  
by: Zeng Li

_Author's notes on some of the characters appearing in this fic:  
This fic uses some of the Turks characters as seen in the FF7 cell phone game, "Before Crisis".  
1 Lené is the other blond haired Turk. Officially, according to Square, she really is Elena's older sister.  
2 Klaus is the Turk with two-tone black/gray hair that carries 2 hand guns.  
3 Rodney is the auburn-haired Turk that uses the same rod weapon that Reno does. The name of "Rod" is often given to him by FF7 fans and is the only "generally accepted" name given to the otherwise nameless Before Crisis Turks.  
4 Adrian is the 4th male Before Crisis character. He's from Gongaga, uses a katana for a weapon, and wears glasses. He also has a large jagged scar from below his left eye to his jaw._

_WARNING: This fic contains some harsh, "dirty", and mildly provocative language and is intended for mature-minded audiences 16 and over. There are NO occurrences of intimacy in this fic. Verbal sexual language and displays of comical drunkenness do occur._

"Tseng, wait up!" a voice echoed through the concrete-walled parking garage behind the Turks field commander.

Tseng's black sports car's lights blinked and an audible chirp sounded as he deactivated the anti-theft system. "What's up, Reeve?" Tseng asked, turning his head as the urban development executive jogged up to his car.

"You going to that thing over at Reno's?" Reeve asked, trying to keep from losing his breath. He got a funny look from the Turk commander as if puzzled that Reno would invite someone like him to a party. "My car's in the shop...again. If you were going..."

Tseng shrugged. "I don't know how long I'm staying, but you can ride there with me if you want."

"Thanks!" Reeve pulled the passenger door handle, and both men took off their suit jackets before getting into the car. Once seated, Reeve shot a sideways glance at the driver. Tseng's hand was on the gear shifter but paused, noticing his company's unspoken feelings.

"Are you worried about my reputation?" Tseng asked.

"As a driver? I...guess I trust you," Reeve had the sound of worry in his throat. Instinctually, he leaned his head back against the headrest as it awaiting sudden acceleration.

Tseng put the car in gear and eased off the clutch, accelerating gently.

Reeve loosened his tense muscles. "Very funny... Or did someone finally teach you how to drive?"

The black Corvette merged easily into traffic without incident. "Part of my profession demands extreme vehicle-handling competency. If it helps, I scored 398 on my precision driving rating."

"Out of...?"

"...Four-hundred possible points." As if cued, Tseng downshifted to a passing gear and took to the far left lane, blowing away traffic going the speed limit as the 'Vette roared past. Reeve's hand locked down on the side-panel arm rest, his feet bracing against the floor to limit inertial effect for when they had to take a curve. Tseng eased off the throttle and laughed. "You're white as a ghost, Reeve! Oh, the blackmail pictures I could take of you now... Oh, but don't worry..." The Turk reached over his shoulder and grabbed a loose belt attached to the seat. "If I were doing anything death-defying, I'd have the 5-point harness on. There's one on the passenger's seat too if you ever want to take a hell-raising ride with me."

"I should..." Reeve replied. "Just to show you I'm not afraid."

"Afraid? You want afraid, just wait 'til we get to Reno's place. It'll make my driving seem tame. I don't know how much you've ever hung out with him after hours."

Reeve tried to relax, looking out the window at scenery that was no longer rushing by so fast. "A few times, and I survived. But that was a while ago."

They pulled up to Reno's end-unit apartment in the middle of the Sector 3 plate. Reno was one of the few Turks who had a place outside of the tenant quarters at the Shinra building. While he used it to throw parties or entertain one-night-stands, Tseng's rented studio was little more than a quiet place to get away and relax. Reno's fire to Tseng's ice was that he rented a whole 2-story unit and for various favors would let any of the other Turks use it if they wanted.

Loud music was audible from the parking lot, making Reeve seriously reconsider the invitation he'd gotten from the Turk via email. In ways, he felt that Reno had sent it to him by accident. He'd already shown too much cowardice tonight, though, and was not about to add to a misleading reputation by backing out of attending the party. After all, it was only a little loud music.

Reno greeted them at the door, grinning ear to ear. "Hi ya', boss!" he said, already smelling a little of booze. "I see you brought the virgin."

"Mind your own business, Reno..." Tseng pushed past him.

"Hey, hey, hey..." Reno followed his senior officer, not letting Reeve go far either. "We're playing a game tonight. You'll need one of these." He held out a draw-string velvet dice bag. Tseng eyed him suspiciously, to which the younger Turk just sighed. "Come on...there's nothing alive in there."

To both their surprise, Reeve reached his hand into the bag first. He pulled out a rubber high-bounce ball decorated like a billiard ball, the type kids could get out of grocery store vending machines for a quarter-gil. He looked to Tseng as if wanting an explanation. He turned it over in his hand and found that it was the orange 5 ball.

"That's your number for the night," said Reno. "Come on boss...you too!" He shoved the bag at Tseng. The Turk leader reached in and realized there was only one rubber ball left. He pulled it out and saw that it was the solid red 3 ball. "No conspiracy theories if you lose, Tseng," Reno said, tossing the empty bag onto the coffee table as he walked by.

"This isn't a strip-party game, is it?" Tseng asked behind him, but either the music was too loud or Reno chose to ignore him...or both.

"Uh..." Reeve took a step back.

"Oh, don't worry," said Tseng, pocketing the numbered bouncy ball. "If it is, he usually rigs it so that he wins...err, loses, or whatever. Some times I wonder why he makes a game of it instead of just taking all his clothes off and getting it over with. So for that, most of his strip games aren't so bad, and playing along is usually fairly safe. With him, it's actually the door prize you want to avoid if at all possible."

Just when Reeve was feeling better about the night's prospects, Tseng had to go on and add that bit! "The door prize is worse than his adult party games? Why is that?" the urban designer asked, losing another shade of color.

"Well, let's just say that last time, the 'door prize' was a cream pie in the face."

Reeve started to sweat as Tseng looked away. "You, uh...didn't win it that time, did you?"

"Technically, yes," said Tseng. "However, I dodged it at the last second and he got it all over Rude instead."

"Oh..." Reeve said, but paused as memories of the past month came back to him. "Is that how Reno REALLY ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes a few weeks ago?"

"Shhh," Tseng leaned in closer to Reeve's ear. "Yeah, but we don't want the truth getting around, okay? The rest of the company thinks it happened to him on-the-job."

Reeve just nodded understandingly. As one of Shinra's highest ranking executives, he was accustomed to keeping secrets much deeper than that.

Reno turned the music down so to make an announcement. "Now that everyone is here, it's time to explain the rules of tonight's game and draw for the door prize!"

Half the gathered guests in unison buried their heads in their arms, particularly the vice president and sisters Elena and Lené. Indignantly, Reno crossed his arms over his chest.

"I promise no pies this time," the red-haired Turk said, his hand unconsciously reaching up to touch the bridge of his nose, reaffirming that it had healed completely since the last party. He lifted another velvet bag from under the coffee table which contained duplicate rubber balls to those he'd distributed to the other party guests. He reached in and drew a random ball and held it up. "Red three!! Who's got that one?" He looked around the room, having seen it recently, eyes quickly homing in on Reeve and Tseng.

"No conspiracies?" Tseng asked suspiciously, head cocked to one side.

Reno turned the bag upside down and let all the other balls roll out into his palm. "All nine are in here, Tseng. Just luck of the draw. And don't worry..." He replaced the novelty billiard balls back into the velvet dice bag. "Tonight's prize is a harmless tiara, okay?" He walked up to Tseng, and the senior Turk mildly protested. Before his boss could put up a fight, Reno reached up and put the door prize on top of Tseng's head.

Tseng took a step back, hand immediately reaching up to take off what ever Reno had put on him. The other party guests' laughter told Tseng it was NOT a tiara. "Reno, this isn't a tiara...it's a jock strap!!"

"Yes, but for tonight I'm calling it a tiara. Use your imagination, Tseng!"

The Turk commander tossed the article to the floor.

"Now the rules of tonight's game," Reno continued. "Everybody...except nose-breaker over there...has a numbered ball. Throughout the party, I'll be randomly drawing two balls at once, and who ever has the numbers that got drawn have to take off a piece of clothing. The cue ball was supposed to be Rude's, but well...since Rude doesn't want to play tonight, and I'm not about to make him...the cue ball getting drawn means that EVERYONE playing has to take something off. If the cue ball is drawn, who ever's number was drawn along with it has to take off TWO pieces of clothing. Everyone got that!?"

There were groans and mumbles throughout the room despite thoughts from prior experiences that Reno usually rigged his strip party games so that he was the first one naked. Tseng's cheeks turned a little red. Reeve clapped a hand on the Wutanese man's shoulder.

"Hey, we're all friends here, and those are your people. If you lose, so what? They've still got your back out in the field, right?" Reeve asked.

Tseng just shook his head. "Well, at least Heidegger isn't here in that case."

Behind them, the front door flew open as if slammed into by a heavy object. In fact it was, and the heavy object was the burly and rotund commander of Shinra's military, General Heidegger. Behind him, the half-anorexic Scarlett trotted in like a tag-along.

"Gyaaah haa haa haa!" Heidegger's voice boomed as if to put the stereo's sub-woofers to shame. "Having a party and not inviting your commanding officer? Shame on all of you."

"Kyaa haa haa!! Hey, Heidegger, darling...should I slap them for being so selfish?" Scarlett asked, chugging down a bottle of booze she'd brought along with her.

Across the room, Rude put his billiard stick down and stood in front of Rufus to protect him. Rufus turned sideways behind the strong Turk, his hand sneaking out to change the position of one of his billiard balls so to line it up with the corner pocket better for his next shot.

Junior Turks operative, Rodney, grit his teeth and reached for his concealed weapon which currently housed a level 1 Barrier materia orb.

Tseng turned to Heidegger, cutting between him and Scarlett. "Sir, if it's okay with you, the Turks have been working hard on the situation we had all week long. Now that it's over, we'd really like to kick back and have a good time. It would be good for morale."

"Are you saying that the Turks have a morale problem!?" Heidegger growled back.

Tseng turned his palms upward and took a step back. "Not exactly, sir. Leaving us be to have a carefree party would _prevent_..." He felt someone tap on his shoulder. Like a sucker, he turned around only to be slapped on the cheek by Scarlett's open hand. The room around him echoed from every side with laughter, including Heidegger's.

"Gyaaaah haa haa!! You see, there's no morale problem here. Come on, Scarlett...let's go upstairs and raid Reno's porno movie collection..." He took her hand and lead the way upstairs.

Tseng rubbed the stinging sensation out of his cheek from Scarlett's slap. "Ah, ignore her, boss man!" Reno said, sliding up along side Tseng. "Tell ya what...to make it up to you, I'll let you draw the first two balls for tonight's game." Reno undid the fly on his trousers and looked up at Tseng to receive the look of disapproval he knew would be waiting for him. "Okay, okay...just kidding. Here!" He loosened the tie on the velvet dice bag and held it up for Tseng to reach into.

The Turk leader pulled two out, one of which was solid red and the other was yellow with a white stripe. Reno's hand immediately collected them up and held them for the other guests to see.

"Three and nine!!" he announced. "Oops...hey, isn't three..." He turned to face his commanding officer, and Tseng just stood there with his arms folded across his chest and cheeks glowing red. "Jackets, please!" Reno held out both hands to accept the shed clothing from the two unfortunate winners of this round. Rodney, whose numbered ball was the yellow striped nine, gave his up without much fuss. Tseng on the other hand...

"Play the damn game, Tseng!" said Elena, who was hanging out with her older sister Lené by the men playing billiards.

If just to save harrassment later, Tseng stripped off his blazer and handed it to Reno. "Just don't go tossing it in the fireplace this time," he said as Reno walked away with the two articles of clothing.

"Not exactly relaxing, is it?" Adrian asked, sliding up after Reno departed and handed Tseng a drink.

Tseng hadn't seen much of the senior Western Continent operative lately. It had only been the grueling situation in Midgar recently that made him call up the extra help from overseas. "I'm sorry you're here seeing Reno at his worst," Tseng apologized to his fellow Turk, accepting the drink.

Adrian just grinned. "It's an experience, sir. That's for sure. Elena said that when Reno gets really drunk he sometimes insists there's some guy living in his freezer."

Tseng made a hand gesture. "That's nothing. It gets worse, trust me."

As if taking another cue, Scarlett staggered down the stairs, nearly falling over the bottom. "Reno!! You're out of Vodka!!" she slurred, holding a clear glass bottle upside down and letting the last drop fall onto the floor.

Klaus grabbed the bottle out of her hand before the inevitable happened and she dropped it. "Damn it, lady. We wouldn't be out of Vodka if you didn't drink it all yourself!" he said, taking his leave of her and walking to the kitchen to throw the empty bottle into recycle. Along the way, he passed Reno whose eyes went wide and snatched the bottle from Klaus before he realized it.

"Hey, we can play Spin the Bottle! Good thing we got Scarlett around to empty all these bottles into her stomach. Who's game!?" Reno asked, holding the bottle high.

All the guys in the room except Reeve folded their arms, turned away, or otherwise indicated disinterest.

"Aw, come on!" Reno griped somewhat playfully. "Hey, Tseng...Elena wants to play. Come on, this could be your chance!"

"Reno, if I wanted to kiss Elena, I would not do so at one of your sick parties."

Reno's hands covered his heart as if clutching it. "Ooooh, rejected!!" he said then looked over at Elena who just returned a look of disapproval. "All right, all right...you people are no fun. I know, let's play Tseng's favorite game in the world...Monopoly!"

"What makes you think it's my favorite game, Reno? And why is it pick-on-me night?" the Turk leader asked, sitting down on the larger sofa next to Adrian.

Reno ran his hand through his hair. "Well, it's for you intellectual types I guess...and it's not pick-on-you night, although that would make a very interesting party theme now that you mention it. For that, let's draw some more numbers." He put the empty Vodka bottle down and picked up the dice bag the night's numbers were kept it. "Okay, who wants to take a turn grabbing my balls!!"

Tseng just groaned and slapped his palm against his forehead. Adrian put a hand on the Turk leader's shoulder in vain hopes of quelling the man's stress level.

Reno grinned knowing he'd gotten his boss' attention. "Fine, I'll grab them myself. Wouldn't you like to see that?"

"Allow me..." Scarlett said, recovering from an undignified stumble, her clawed hand outstretched.

"Oh, very well..." Reno loosened the drawstring aroung the opening of the dice bag and held it out for her. Ignoring the dice bag, Scarlett lurched forward and grabbed Reno in the part of his body he'd only been joking about before. "Dammit, lady!!" Reno yelled, kicking out with his foot and sending the drunken weapons developer flying across the room and into the banister.

Tseng stifled a laugh, wanting instead to cry. Reno, teeth clenched and half snarling, drew two numbers out of the bag himself. His demeanor changed upon seeing that one of the balls had his assigned number on it. His irritation changed instantly to smug satisfaction that he nearly forgot to inform the holder of the number 6 that they had to take something off too.

Six, it turned out, was Rufus Shinra. The young vice president jerked his head back and stood in front of the blond haired sisters while unbuttoning his white trench coat, trying to somewhat dance to the music blaring behind him while trying to tantalize the girls as if he were a stripper. He handed his jacket to them as if they'd been adoring fans then turned and glared at Reno.

Not to be out done, Reno undid his belt and the zipper on his trousers. He kicked off his shoes and removed his pants. "You know, I never said there was any particular order to which the clothes have to come off." As if to prove a point, he stepped out of his boxers and tossed them on the growing pile of discarded clothes in the corner.

Rodney laughed, turning away from as many other guests as he could as his cheeks lit up bright red. Tseng grimaced and spanned his hand across his eyebrows so the rest of his fingers shielded his eyes from the sight of Reno half naked.

"Give me a break!" Reno said, stepping back into his trousers. "Much as I'd like to cheat, I merely decided that my underwear was the first piece of clothing I'd lose." He zipped his trousers back up, careful that the zipper didn't catch on anything he wouldn't want it to. He then stepped back into his shoes.

Tseng eyed his drink, half tempted not to finish it just to keep himself from becoming drunk and vulnerable to the crazy ways of his subordinate.

"I'm beginning to see your point," Adrian said next to him, removing his glasses to wipe fictitious dust off of the lenses just to avoid having clear vision of the spectacle happening in front of him.

"Okay, well...shall we play a game then?" Reno clapped his hands together and smirked like a fox about to devour everyone's meals. His demeanor switched instantly to one as if he hadn't just embarrassed half the people in the room. He pulled several board games out from the lower tier of the coffee table. "I got Monopoly... Parcheesi... for some reason Candy Land... and of course the Erotic edition of Scrabble."

"There's no such thing as an 'erotic' edition of Scrabble!" Elena protested.

"There is in my house," Reno countered. "I swiped an extra X out of somebody else's set." He looked over at Rude, but the bald Turk was too engrossed in the serious game of billiards he was playing against Rufus...who wasn't playing seriously. "Anyway, what makes it erotic isn't having an extra X to spell potentially naughty words with. There'll be a theme that all words we build must conform to. Obviously in this case, that'll be Reeve's favorite topic...sex!"

Across the room, Reeve blushed like a virgin. Rodney slid up in front of Reeve to take some of the attention away from the embarrassed executive. "You know, Reno..." the auburn haired Turk said, "...just once why can't the theme be something clever like, I don't know...building implosions?"

Reno looked at Rod like he'd grown a cabbage on his head. "What's so fun about that?" He opened the box and dumped the contents onto the coffee table, nearly knocking over someone's beer bottle in the process. "Okay...the deal will be that words relating to human anatomy automatically count as double, and words relating to virginity counts as triple. On a similar line for that matter, spelling 'Reeve' will also count as triple in accordance to the theme."

"All right... I'm game," said Adrian, changing his seating position so to be even with one side of the game board. Reno sat on the floor, and Tseng reluctantly settled in on one of the sides as well.

"Hey Reeve, since tonight's Scrabble theme is all about you, why don't you play along?" Reno asked the still-blushing man.

Reeve waved him off. "No thanks. You know I wouldn't know half the dirty words that you do."

"So you say..."

Rodney took the last seat around the 4-player board.

"Now remember you can trade letters with other players if you need them to spell fun words, and of course build off the board and onto the table if your word runs out of spaces, but those letters count as single values only," Reno said as he and the other volunteer players grabbed their starting 7 tiles.

Adrian had half his tiles drawn when he shot Tseng a questioning glance. "I know...just go with it, okay?" Tseng said. "Ironically, it's more fun to play this game this way."

"Good thing I added more K tiles to my set too. I can start the game with everyone's favorite dirty word!" Reno declared, placing four simple yet effective letters in the center of the game board. "I can never get through a single game of Scrabble without spelling this word. Trust me, it's worth holding onto a K tile all game until you can amass the F, U, and C to go along with it. Fuck is such a universal word too that it can fit into just about any possible theme, including building implosions, Tseng."

Tseng knotted his brow. "What does 'fuck' have anything to do with building implosions?" He thought for sure he had Reno on that one.

Reno shrugged. "Simple. It's usually the first word out of the contractor's mouth the instant they hit the switch and nothing happens." Across the table, Tseng just sighed. "This calls for celebration. Who wants to finger my balls?" he asked, holding up the dice bag.

"Reno, that joke is already old and it's only the second time you've said it," Tseng leaned his arms on the table lazily.

"Fine, fine... I just don't want to hear any complaints if the boss' number comes up again." Reno plunged his own hand into the velvet bag and palmed two rubber orbs. His hand raised two colored spheres, one of them numbered 8 and the other... "Three!! Ha ha ha!"

"It IS a fucking conspiracy!" Tseng growled.

"Speaking of which..." Elena leaned over Tseng's shoulder and grabbed the I, N, and G tiles off his holder and added them to the end of the word Reno had started the game with. When the Turk captain shot her a glare, she simply stated that 'fuck' on its own was fairly high scoring and adding the extra letters got Tseng off to a good start.

Reno quickly noted Tseng's score on paper but certainly didn't forget the man's obligation to the party game. "Your choice, Tseng," said Reno, holding out a hand anticipating some article of clothing to be handed to him. "Shirt and tie, shoes and socks, pants, or underwear... Remember you can strip things off in any order you want, even if it's not logical."

"Hell...you can have my shoes and socks then, in hopes that the odds will be in my favor for a while after this."

Reno waggled his finger at the other raven-haired man seated at the Scrabble game. "And isn't 8 your number...?"

Adrian folded his arms across his chest as if doing so would prevent having to remove something. "If you say so..." He removed his glasses and tried to hand them to Reno.

Reno refused to take them. "Oh no, Mr. Four-Eyes. Glasses don't count!"

Imitating Tseng, who was on his second item-removal, Adrian yanked off his shoes and socks, handing them to Reno. The party host took them and tossed them into the corner of the room with Tseng's then reminded the older Turk that it was his turn at the board.

Adrian added R, A, and P beneath the C in 'fucking'. Reno's nose wrinkled. "What the fuck is erotic about Crap!?" he barked. "Don't you know how to play this game, or are you a virgin like Reeve over there!? Or you know what...I don't even want to know!" He scribbled the word's score down and let Rodney take his turn.

"Well, I was gonna spell 'piss'," the young Turk admitted. "But if anyone has an N that I can use, I can score double points on my next word..." Reno, having a feeling he knew the word Rod wanted to spell, gladly offered up the N in his tile selection in exchange for the extra S that Rod had. Then sure enough, to his delight, the first anatomical word of the night graced the Scrabble board.

"You see? That's more like it!" Reno celebrated. "For that, you can reach in my bag and...never mind, just pull out two more numbers..." He held the velvet bag full of numbered orbs for Rod.

"Reno, you're NOT going to draw numbers every time someone puts a funny, dirty, or themed word up on the board!" Tseng argued.

There was of course no stopping the party host from doing what ever he wanted. Rod had the next two numbers drawn anyway. "Five and two!" Reno called, eyes turning to Elena who he'd remembered had the 2 ball. "No!!" he stopped her as she went right for her shoes. "Four-eyes over here is new to my sick games, but the rule with strip games around here is that the jacket always goes first! Give up the blazer, Elena. You too, Reeve!" They didn't bother handing their blazers to Reno and instead piled them in the discarded clothing corner themselves.

"Reno, baby..." a screechy voice interrupted the red-head's next move. "You're...out...of Vodka..." Scarlett keeled over and hit the floor just outside the kitchen with a thud.

Reno raised one hand and snapped his fingers. "Rude! Party-goer disposal time!"

Rude leaned his cue stick against the wall and walked over to where Scarlett was collapsed on the floor. Rufus eyed the room to be sure no one was looking and grabbed one of his striped billiard balls and placed it in a corner pocket.

Rude lifted Scarlet over his shoulder and brought her to the second floor balcony where he threw her over and into the shrubbery below.

"Whoo-hoo! The bitch is gone! This calls for celebration! Let's draw two more numbers!" Reno grabbed up his precious little dice bag.

Tseng reached over and grabbed his wrist firmly. "You JUST did that. Give it a rest, will ya!?"

"Yeah, yeah..." Reno slumped slightly, placing the bag on the floor next to him. "I need two L's , and an A for that matter. Anyone got stuff to trade?"

"Why don't you just place letters on the board to spell your dirty little words instead of trying to make a game out of it?" Elena asked as players traded Reno tiles for the ones he needed.

"What do you mean? This IS a game?" Reno said, placing B, A, and two L's on the board so if read downwards diagonally from right to left, it spelled BALLS. "See? I consider that an anatomical word, so I get double points for it."

"This isn't a word-search puzzle, Reno!" Tseng snarled in protest. "You can't spell words diagonally or backwards?"

"Fuck the rules, Tseng! That's how we always play. If you don't like my version of Scrabble, you can go play pin-the-tail-on-the-jackass. It's a pretty easy game as Heideggar's ass is a huge target, and he probably wouldn't notice a few pins jabbed into that cushion of flab he sits on."

The Scrabble tiles continued piling up on the board in all directions, players sometimes needing to dismantle existing words on the board in order to make even funnier words. Already, the tiles were crawing off the board and onto the table.

Every time Reno's turn came around, he had two more numbers drawn for the strip game. A few turns later, he'd lost his blazer, Elena and her sister each lost an article of clothing, and Reeve, Rodney, and the Turks materia-gunner, Klaus, had to lose something as well. Reno's turn came up again, and he let Elena draw the next set.

Tseng and Rufus were the unlucky ones of the round. Tseng verbalized a few threats that amused Reno more than they frightened him, though as a result, no one noticed that Rufus failed to go along with taking any clothing items off.

Tseng gave up his shirt and tie amidst much grumbling and cussing. "I swear, Reno...if I end up losing at this stupid little game of yours, I will make the next week of your life a total living hell. You got that!?"

"Yeah, yeah...what ever..." Reno said, worrying more about the dwindling supply of letter tiles and what sexually-themed word he was gonna put down next than Tseng's likely empty threats. "I'm pretty hard to humiliate, you know."

As the game wore on, no one noticed that Elena was on her fifth beer and was more than just a little tipsy. She leaned her hands on Tseng's bare shoulder and passed out, slumping forward, over his shoulder, and onto the coffee table. Reno snagged his beer bottle out of the way of her falling body, but he could not save the game board.

Tseng and Rodney lifted her unconscious body from the table. The Scrabble tiles were scattered all over the place, and one of them was stuck to her cheek when they lifted her.

"Damn it, Elena!!" Reno yelled, but she was out.

"Fine, I was getting sick of Scrabble Anarchy anyway," Tseng pushed his tiles and tile holder onto the board and fetched himself a glass of wine.

"She wants to be a poor sport and not hold her booze..." Reno rifled through the dice bag and pulled out the number 2 bouncy ball and threw it across the room and into the kitchen where it struck and apparently shattered something made of glass. "She won't be allowed to play if she's not conscious enough to enjoy it."

Tseng cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, and here I was trying to stay sober. So if I pass out, I'll be exempt from having to strip as well?"

Reno held his beer in one hand, pointing his pinky out at his boss. "No, if you pass out, I'll strip the rest of your clothes off, sit on your bare ass and ride you for a photo opportunity...the pictures of which might just appear in Shinra's next company news letter."

Tseng gently narrowed his eyes at the drink in his hands. Though he craved another taste of the deep red wine, he handed his glass off to Reeve. "Enjoy... I'm the designated driver tonight."

Reno picked himself off the floor, his legs a little stiff under him from having sat there for so long. "All right, then... I guess we can draw more numbers. Gods know that I need some more entertainment in my evening. Yo, Rufus! You wanna stop cheating at billiards for two seconds and pull a number?"

"I don't cheat," said the young and defiant vice president, obviously forgetting that he still hadn't removed a piece of clothing since his number was called a second time. He reached into Reno's bag and pulled out one ball then returned to his billiards game before Rude took an opportunity to cheat while the VP's back was turned.

"Yeah...whatever. You were supposed to pull out two, but hell, this number looks familiar..." Reno held the rubber ball up for all to see.

Tseng's face turned as red as the ball. "I still think this game is rigged."

"It's totally random!" Reno insisted. "Besides, don't be mad at me...be mad at the little twit who drew your number. If anyone deserves a week from hell, it would be him."

"Rufus is my superior," said Tseng, reluctantly stepping out of his pants. "Making his life a living hell would not be...appropriate."

Reno just grinned at the sight of seeing Tseng in nothing but light blue boxers. "You know, boss, you should really wear something a little more...revealing. You won't get the ladies if you keep hiding the goods behind those baggy shorts."

Tseng sat on the soft and pulled a throw pillow onto his lap. "At least I HAVE something to hide..."

Reno cocked his head and shook his hand from the wrist. "Oh, puh-leeze! The old my-penis-is-bigger-than-your-penis slam. Get a life."

Tseng just sighed, rolling his head back into the sofa cushions.

"All right, we need another number. Hey, baldy...errrr...Rude! You wanna do the honors since there's nothing in here that could cause you any undue stress, harm, or humiliation." His hand reached out towards the tall Turk, the velvet bag resting in his palm.

"Nothing that can hurt me?" Rude asked.

"Good grief, Rude! They're just rubber bouncy balls I got out of a vending machine, all colorful and numbered just like the ones on the pool table you and Rufus have spent the entire night huddled around. It's not like anything in here is a personal attack on you or anyone." He shook the bag lightly as if to entice the man to come to it.

Rude walked over to him and stuck his large hand into the velvet bag and pulled out a ball.

"Nothing that's a personal attack?" the bald Turk asked, holding up the plain white ball.

Reno's eyes looked at the ball, Rude's shiny bald head, then back at the ball again. "Oh..." he said, swallowing a lump in his throat, his nose already throbbing as if Rude had already punched him and broken it again. The tall man towering over him was ominous, but Reno's eyes kept going back to the plain white ball. "Oh!!" Reno exclaimed, finally locking onto the significance of the drawn ball. He snatched it out of Rude's hand. "The cue ball has been drawn! That means everyone has to take off an item of clothing!! That also means that if it results in someone being _completely nude_, then we have the big winner of the night!" His eyes, of course, fell onto the sitting form of his raven-haired boss.

Tseng just glared back, his face turning a comical bright red.

Reno's grin could've lit up a runway in Junon. "Come on, you big winner, you! Don't be shy!" he said. "Yo, Rude. We might have to force another glass of wine into him, but I think we can get him to do it."

Tseng scowled. "I'm not taking my shorts off, Reno!"

"Now, now. We've all played this game fair up until now, give or take a vice president or two. I'm sure if it were any of the rest of us, we'd be good sports about it, even that shy pansy, Reeve. Come on, Tseng. You've seen ME do it enough times."

"Unless of course there's something to be ashamed of..." Rufus said, grinning as he stood next to Reno like a hungry wolf.

"Yes," said Reno. "Perhaps your dong ain't as big as you say it is. Or, perhaps it's so big it'll put the one between my legs to shame, who knows, right? Besides, if you were stripped naked and had to fight to save your own life and the lives of your fellow Turks, you're supposed to do so without being distracted by your own..."

Before Reno finished his tought, Tseng stood up and stepped out of his boxer shorts and tossed them onto the pile in the corner. "Happy, Reno? Well, you should be. That is, until this coming Monday when your week-from-hell begins."

Elena woke up briefly and locked her blurry vision onto Tseng. She squeaked a little yelp, eyes going from totally wide in disbelief to completely closed as she dropped unconscious again.

"All right, fine!" snorted Tseng. "You successfully got me naked. Now, can I have my clothes back?"

"Be a sport, Boss," said Reno, his crooked grin engulfing almost his entire cheek.

"What the hell is this!!" boomed an unexpected voice behind them.

Everyone turned and saw Heidegger coming down the stairs. Jaws dropped, and Tseng immediately crossed his arms across his privates. A deep, disapproving glare came from the fat military commander's eyes.

"Tseng!! What on earth are you doing, you pervert!"

Tseng visibly shook, horrified that his direct superior would see him this way. "I lost playing one of Reno's retarded strip party games! It's all his fault. Don't worry, I intend to make his life absolutely miserable for this."

"And I'll make _both_ of yours miserable! Now, where's Scarlett?"

"She, uh...stepped outside," said Rufus. "By way of the upstairs balcony. I imagine by now she's making love to the thorn bush, somehow mistaking it for your hairy body or something."

"WHAT!? Scarlett!? Darling...!?" Heidegger lumbered outside to look for his bimbo companion.

Reno winced, handing Tseng back his clothing. "Ugh...sorry 'bout that, boss-meister," he replied soberly. " We all sort of forgot about him, huh? Talk about bad timing..."

"Yeah..." Tseng grabbed his clothes and redressed quickly, any potential humor of the moment gone completely.

"Shit. I suppose there's no avoiding a week from hell now..." Reno sat down next to Tseng on the sofa and put his arm across his shoulders. His other hand came up to his face. "Just have mercy on my nose. Anything but my nose..."

Tseng snorted a laugh. "It wasn't all that humiliating until Black Beard showed up. I know I'm gonna be pulled into his office and raked across the coals for this. Sorry to say, my misery WILL trickle down to become YOUR misery..."

Reno squeezed his arm around Tseng's neck, drawing him closer and kissing his cheek hard. "Right... So be it..." he leaned hard on his boss's shoulder to push himself up to his feet.

Tseng shook his head to get rid of the after-effects of Reno's joshing kiss. A week from hell...? Oh yeah...

_The End_

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. Original rendition (c) 2000 by Zeng Li. Rewrite as presented here is (c) 2007 by Zeng Li.

Email: _turkparty at earthlink dot net_


	2. Turks Tupperware Party

_Turks Party 2 - The Tupperware Party  
__ Original Text Version © 2000 Zeng Li_

Tseng stood outside Reeve's home, pacing around his newly painted sports car. He scrutinized the gloss black finish, meticulously scrubbing away any smudge, finger print, or rain spot he could find with the sleeve of his suit jacket.

Reeve finally came out, squirming into his navy blue jacket in haste and still trying to comb his hair. "Sorry, I'm lagging behind a little. Mom called right before I got into the shower."

"Quit fussing over your hair, Reeve," said Tseng, making sure Reeve didn't get finger prints all over his car. "You know how Reno-parties go. It'll be a mess again before midnight."

"What's this theme of his for tonight's party? Didn't he also say something about a door-prize?"

"Yeah, well I wouldn't get too excited about winning a door-prize. I can just imagine the things his sick mind would choose to give out."

Reeve laughed lightly as Tseng drove away from the curb. "Yeah... Probably bikinis, condoms, and the latest issue of Playboy."

Tseng snorted a laugh. "Yeah. I still have that jock strap I won as a door prize last year. It's too small for me, but I have a feeling it would fit Reno just fine."

"Speaking of which...sort of..." Reeve blushed a little. "How'd Reno's 'Week-of-Hell' go for what happened at the last party?"

Tseng grinned. "The less you know, the better, Reeve."

"Gotchya..."

It wasn't too much farther to the famous apartment. It seemed the land lord couldn't keep tenants long in the unit next to Reno's. He was tempted to start charging Reno rent for the adjacent units as well.

Reeve and Tseng were the last two to the party this time. The music was audible from out in the parking lot. A Calsonic-blue car was parked up front, meaning Reno's not-so-imaginary-friend-after-all was there. Tseng cleverly parked his car several units down just to avoid a repeat of the last fender-bender between his beautiful car and a certain beat-up old Yugo. (See "Cyrus Crashes the Party")

"Looks like we're late," grumbled Tseng.

Reeve walked into the noise and mayhem ahead of Tseng. Reno was poised by the door, lurking behind it with a blow-noise maker ready. When Tseng walked in, Reno jumped out and tooted his little party horn. "Tseng wins the grapefruit peeler!!" he declared, somehow above all the other noise going on. He handed Tseng a rather odd looking plastic wand.

"Most interesting..." Reeve contemplated it.

"I'll put this with my jock strap..." Tseng muttered, wondering just why anyone would want to peel a grapefruit.

"Well, now that the door-prize thing is over with, we can start this Tupperware party!" Reno bounded back into the living room.

"What the hell is a Tupper-Wear Party?" asked Rufus, oblivious to the night's party theme.

"I don't know, but I some how think it's just another fancy ploy to get me to take all my clothes off," said Tseng, dropping heavily onto the sofa with a cold beer. He eyed Reno suspiciously, keen to any attempt at foul-play. For once, Elena was ignoring him and seemed to be fussing around a lot more than usual in the kitchen.

Reeve sat down next to the Turks' leader. "Man, it's hot in here. But I'm afraid to take my jacket off for fear that it'll put me that one step closer to losing at one of Reno's strip party games."

"I know," said Tseng. "I don't think any week-from-hell is ever gonna deter Reno from his party antics. May as well just sit back and be amused."

The music, probably for the first time ever at a Reno-party, was turned down. "Everyone...!" Reno called over the new spell of silence. "Into the kitchen…! Seems Elena has something to show us, and it's not her boobs."

"_Reno…!!!_" the female Turk's voice screamed from the nearby room.

A few glances were exchanged, but the six men walked into the kitchen. Elena was standing on the opposite end of the table, a grin beaming across the room. Once she had their attention, she pulled a large cloth cover off the table to reveal colorful plastic bowls and cups. She grinned at them, anxiously awaiting an enthusiastic response.

"What is this!?" Reno demanded angrily. "I ordered a Tupperware party! I don't see what all these colourful plastic bowls and cups have anything to do with it!"

"Reno..." Elena hissed quietly in his ear. "These plastic bowls _are_ the Tupperware party."

"What!?" Reno snapped. "Is there some other definition of the word 'party' that I'm not aware of?"

A few moments of silence passed, then Rufus came forward from the back of the room and snatched a bowl and a cup. "All right!! Where's the food and drink to put in these!?" he asked loudly.

Nathan tapped the young V.P. on the shoulder. "Uh...sir, we're here to _purchase_ these bowls, not eat out of them."

"What!?"

Reno pushed Elena aside and addressed his guests. "Look, guys. There seems to be some kind of mistake here! It seems that a Tupperware party is some kind of girly thing. These silly bowls and cups _are_ the party theme...why ever that is. So...what do you guys say...? Give me a hand...?"

Elena grinned hesitantly, hoping Reno would lighten up. But, the other guys stepped forward and helped Reno pick up all the bowls and cups, and dump them out the kitchen window to the alley below.

"No...!!" the female Turk shrieked, dashing for the back door immediately to retrieve her precious Tupperware.

Reno clapped imaginary dust off his hands. "Well, with that taken care of, I officially dub this 'Tupperware Party' and official 'Reno-party'!!"

The guys cheered as the music immediately went up to headache volume again. The billiards balls broke from their triangular formation on the pool table.

Reno hopped over the back of the sofa and landed squarely between Reeve and Tseng, dressed in nothing but his socks and tight-fitting underwear.

"Do you mind, Reno!?" said Tseng, whacking a pillow into Reno's mid-section on onto the boy's lap. "I've seen enough of your balls lately."

"Tseng...!" Reeve said accusingly.

"Oh, yes..." Reno grinned. "My little...what did you call it...? Week from Heaven...?"

"_You weren't suppose to enjoy it!_" Tseng growled.

"Let that be a lesson to you! There is _nothing_ you can do to piss me off!" Reno got up and thankfully went to bother some other people.

Tseng minded his beer during the spell of silence that followed. Reeve shifted a little. "Uh...Tseng...? You didn't actually...?"

"It's not what you think, Reeve. I'll explain later."

"Darn!" Reno said, going through his refrigerator. "All this alcohol, and Scarlett isn't here to drink it." He popped two corked bottles open at the same time and helped himself to more than just a sampling of each.

Nathan slipped away from the scene and helped Elena outside with gathering up her Tupperware. "I didn't know you sold Tupperware," he said, grabbing some of the bowls for her.

"Yeah..." she said dejectedly. "It's not like I need the extra money, being a Turk and all. I just..."

"Say no more," said Nathan. "I want to buy some of these. And...I want the green ones, not the blue. Trust me, when you live with Cyrus in his mansion, you get sick of blue real quick."

"Who's this Cyrus guy you keep talking about?"

"It's a long story, Elena."

Meanwhile, back inside, Reno had a little too much to drink too fast. He stumbled on the living room carpet and landed face-down in Rude's lap, his nose between the giant Turk's legs. Rude stood up and grabbed Reno by the scruff of his neck.

"I swear, Reno... Do that again I'll break every tooth out of that sly grin of yours!" he growled, meaning every bit of it.

"Go ahead. I could use some time off."

Rude threw Reno's thin body down onto the loveseat and walked away to take his turn at the billiards table.

"Hey, Tseng doesn't mind my friskiness! Just ask him 'bout my week-from-hell!!" Reno called behind his friend, and over the volume of the obnoxious stereo.

Tseng's face lit up bright red as if to beckon all who hadn't initially turned his way in shock. Reno slumped like a boneless ragdoll on the loveseat, one leg draped over the back of the sofa.

"Reno!" Tseng snapped, standing up to tower over the already-wasted young Turk. Reno looked up through sleepy eyes, allowing the shorter but older man to stand over him in whatever fit of rage was about to come. "You and I did not 'get frisky'! I don't know what twisted fantasy world of drunken dreams you are living in, but come out of it! Now!!"

Reno shined a smile, still gripping a bottle of clear alcohol he'd been drinking directly from. His incoherent gaze told Tseng that it wasn't worth the argument. He'd just have to clear up the rumors later, hopefully before they got out and around to all the water coolers at work.

"Give me that!" Tseng wrenched the bottle out of Reno's hand. The red-haired Turk was too dizzy from the booze to get up and fetch another drink. "And get some clothes on!"

Rufus was lining up for another shot at the pool table. "What's with Reno, anyway?" he asked the giant Turk. "He's a bit of a pervert outside of the office, isn't he?"

Rude shrugged, chalking up his cue stick. "I think he likes to boast about it a lot because he doesn't get too many women these days. Or…with the way he's been lately, not very many men either."

Tseng found Elena and offered her a glass of wine. "Wow," he said to her. "An hour into the party, and you're still sober. Something wrong?"

Elena shrugged and took the glass of red wine. "Other than Reno and his obnoxious attitude? I should have made him aware of what a Tupperware party really was. I don't think he had any clue. You know Reno, though. If it sounds good to him, he'll try it."

"Hmm. I'll have to suggest a few more Wutan dishes to him. We all know the various colors he turns when he finds out he's eaten caviar."

Elena giggled, her mood finally broken up quite a bit. She put an arm around Tseng's waist and took a sip of her wine. "You're so mean to him."

"Yeah, I know. It's just too bad he's so resistant to being humiliated and picked on."

"Hey, Elena..." a very drunk Reno staggered up to them. "Do you sell any of the _useful_ kinds of cups...? You know, the kind I could use to protect my manhood from getting kicked by angry prostitutes?"

"Reno...!" Tseng growled, lunging at the young Turk. "Get lost now, or you'll wish you had one on now!"

"Oooh..." Reno mocked in a girly tone, slinking away for more alcohol.

"Tseng, I think if you play along with him, you're only encouraging him."

"Hey, Elena..." Tseng grinned, taking the glass from her hand. "How's about before you and I get totally drunk, we go upstairs and I show you what Reno and I _didn't_ do during his week of hell...?"

Elena stood on her toes and brushed her lips against his. "Oh, really...!? Well…like…I guess I'm glad the rumor's not true…" They kissed, them Tseng took her by the hand and lead her up the stairs.

Reeve started throwing darts all by himself, carefully checking for photos of Shinra executives tacked up on the board before fully opening the doors covering it. Reno came into the room looking a little more steadied than before, apparently some kind of elixir in his blood to partially detox him only so he could keep on drinking a little more.

"I'm going upstairs to change into something a little more comfortable!" he announced, twirling his recently removed underwear on one finger and slowly making his way across the room. He stopped at the foot of the stairs in mock contemplation. "On the other hand, I'm quite comfortable the way I am now..."

"Reno!" Rude's voice thundered at him. "Go upstairs now and get some clothes on, or I'll ram this cue stick up your ass!"

"Hmm..." Reno paused again, pretending to contemplate again.

Rude hurled the cue stick across the room at him, and Reno narrowly avoided it's flying tip. It hit the wall, leaving a blue chalk mark on the white paint that stayed there for several weeks after. He went up the stairs reluctantly.

Meanwhile, Tseng was kissing Elena passionately, and she was bowled over with the unexpected dream of hers that was coming true. "Tseng..." she giggled, playfully pushing him away as his kissing lips assaulted her neck.

"Come on, Elena. This is your chance. For once you're not drunk, so all the more you can enjoy it."

"You surprise me, Tseng. For how cold and in control you are 24 hours a day, what on earth is setting you off today."

Tseng kissed her neck and buried his nose in her hair. His hand ventured down to his fly and pushed the zipper half way down. "I don't know. I...I kind of think it had something to do with Reno wearing that tight underwear. It kind of...turned me on a little."

"What!?!?" Elena moved away from him and slapped his face. "You _do_ have a thing for him, don't you!?" She evaded him as she rolled off the bed and scurried out of the room.

"Elena! Wait!! No...!!" Tseng just hung his head, leaning on all fours on the otherwise empty mattress.

Seconds later, the light turned on, startling both Tseng and the room's newest arrival. "Oh...!" Reno yelped, halting the spin he was twirling his underwear in.

Tseng looked back at him, trying not to stare at the one thing his eyes had managed to avoid during all the other parties in which Reno spent much time nude.

"I was just coming for a change of clothes," said Reno, putting the skimpy underwear down and fetching a loose pair of boxers out of the drawer.

"Yeah..." Tseng said somberly.

"What's the matter? What are you doing up here all by yourself?"

"Well...I was with Elena..." Tseng paused for a while.

"Hmm... Doesn't look like you got far?"

"Huh...? Oh. No, we didn't. All the better, I suppose, though."

"Hmm... Well, hey. How's about coming back down stairs for another round of drinks. Don't worry if you start getting too wasted. I have an elixir on hand so we can keep partying 'til the alcohol's gone."

"And, now that you're a little more sober, do you care to help me diffuse the misleading rumors you started? You know which ones I'm talking about."

"Oh, that...? Yeah, I know. It was kind of fun, though, watching you get all defensive and stuff." Reno also fetched a button-up shirt out of his dresser drawer and put it on, leaving it completely open in the front.

"All right. Come on. We have to extinguish it all now before it becomes number one on the charts at the water coolers Monday morning." Tseng hastily groomed his hair with his fingers to straighten it up from his brief episode with Elena.

Reno lit up a cigarette and lead the way down stairs.

They made Reeve, Rufus, and Nathan perfectly aware that nothing sexual had gone on between them after the last disastrous party. Rude and Elena already knew, but it was good that they were informed just to keep them from eternally wondering anyway.

Reno immediately went back to drinking as if being sober at his own parties was a cardinal sin. Tseng decided it was time to lay off the booze before he wound up in bed again with someone, whether it be Elena or something worse. Rude was already thoroughly drunk, but one could hardly tell as he kept himself very well composed, all things considered.

Rufus lost at billiards and proceeded to throw a mini tantrum which ended in his downing an entire beer in less than a minute. Elena was flirting with Reeve, and Nathan was sifting through Reno's CD collection looking for something interesting that might have lyrics that a sane person might understand. Surprisingly, he found a Yanni CD among the pile.

"More beer...!" Rufus called leaning his head against a wall as if the pose made him feel like he was standing upright.

"I got a whole case in the kitchen," said Reno, ready for another one himself.

"And I want another Zima," Elena whined to Tseng, making the Turk leader give in and follow Reno into the kitchen to fetch more booze.

Reno was struggling with a case of beer, trying to lift the heavy box from on top of the refrigerator. "Need any help with that?" asked Tseng, opening the fridge to get Elena her damn Zima.

"I'm fine..." Reno grunted, sliding the case off the high place and trying to catch in on his shoulder. The box slipped, and Reno twisted his body to keep it from crashing to the ground. Tseng leapt to the rescue and saved the case from disaster while Reno let out a blood-curdling scream.

"Reno!!"

Reeve's ears perked up over the loud music while no one else seemed to notice. He looked down at his drink, seriously contemplating not finishing it, as it might have been causing hallucinations. There was another human yell, a little more audible this time. He stood up with an attentive look on his face, which drew curious glances from the other party-goers.

Reeve didn't even wait for them; he went straight to the kitchen, as it seemed to be the origin of all the noise. Curious, Nathan and Elena followed.

When they opened the door, they were horrified at the scene before them. Reno was bent over a chair, and Tseng was behind him with his arms around the young Turk's waist, hands over his navel. Reno's buttocks were pressed firmly against Tseng's waist line, and the young man's body convulsed slightly, pushing himself harder against the older man's body.

"Oooww...Tseng do you have to do this...!?" he moaned, his features tense with obvious pain.

"It's for your own good, you big bad drunk," Tseng replied, pushing his pelvis forward at regular intervals against the young man's back end.

"Damn...! Stop!! What did I do to deserve this!!?" Reno cried, his eyes still clenched shut to the sensation that gnawed at him.

"I'm almost done. If you'd just relax, all the sooner this'll all be over for you. Come on...take it like a man, Reno..." Tseng looked up at the trio that had gone unnoticed. Their mouths were agape, jaws dropped almost to the floor at the sight that was before them. Tseng stopped working Reno's body, much to the young Turk's comfort. "Uh..." was all he could manage.

"Tseng!?!" Elena scolded him fierce.

Tseng let go of Reno, leaving the red head slumped over the back of a chair. "Uh...I...Uh..." he couldn't untie his tongue fast enough to speak.

"Tseng! You oughta be ashamed of yourself!" Elena snarled, looking down at Tseng's pants, just below his belt.

"Elena...I assure you this isn't what it seems to be!" Tseng looked up at the stunned faces of Reeve and Nathan. Their eyes were also down, looking at what Elena noticed. He ventured a look down for himself and was mortified to find that his trousers fly was wide open. He quickly turned sideways and remedied the situation with this pants.

"Is that right...!?" Elena disbelieved the excuses he was handing her. "You wouldn't do it with me, and now we catch you red-handed fucking Reno in the kitchen."

"No, Elena, you have it all wrong...!" Tseng looked to Reeve and Nathan for support, only to find that the audience had increased itself to include Rude and Rufus as well.

"Aaaaowwww, Tseng...!" Reno cried from his uncomfortable position.

Tseng rushed up behind him and held his body again. "Reno hurt his back," he told the curious on-lookers. "I'm just trying to help him stretch the muscles out of spasms. I know it looks bad, especially to those who saw that my fly was down, but I assure you, that was only left-over from something me and Elena almost got into together and has nothing to do with what's going on now."

There seemed to be a few skeptics, yet no one in the audience was willing to leave as their imaginations ran away again watching Tseng manipulate the young man's bent-over body. Finally, Reno's locked back gave in and offered him more mobility and relief from the spasm that had gripped it. His forced gasping slowed, and he pushed up with his hands. Tseng eased him to an upright position.

"What are you all looking at!?" Reno demanded, seeing the gawking company at the entrance to the kitchen.

"Don't worry, Reno. We're glad you're okay," said Reeve.

Reno winced, holding a hand against the side of his lower back. "Come on, Reno. Let's get you upstairs." Before Reno could protest, Tseng swept him off his feet and carried him out of the kitchen like a groom might carry a bride. Again, stares flew their way, but Tseng paid them no mind.

Rufus scratched the back of his head. "Uh...what the hell was that?"

Reeve shrugged. "I don't know, but I think we'd best never bring it up again."

"Agreed," said Nathan, diving into the secret stash of Ginger Ale that Reno kept around specially for him.

"So ends another Reno-party, eh?" asked Rufus.

"Yeah, I think so..." Elena replied. "So, uh...does anyone want to buy any Tupperware?"

The party-goers looked around among themselves for a few moments before turning their full attention to Elena and her colorful plastic bowls.

**MORE WILL FOLLOW**

AUTHOR'S NOTES: An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2002. Comments welcome. Future edits pending. The "Nathan" character is gradually being removed from these Turk Party fics, but it's a slow process.


	3. Turks Mary Kay Party

_Turks Party 3 - Mary Kay Party  
By: Zeng Li_

The toot of a horn told Reeve that his ride was waiting for him. He left his apartment, shrugging into his jacket along the way. He looked around for Tseng's hot sports car, but it was no where to be found. He wondered if the horn was for someone else. A little embarrassed, he turned back to his apartment. But then, the horn blared again from a nearby car, demanding his attention.

Reeve turned back and saw the occupant of a tiny green LN7 come out and wave to him. It was Tseng!

"My gosh, Tseng! What the hell is that!?" he asked, staring at the pathetic excuse for an econo-car.

"Shut up and get in," Tseng grumbled, closing the driver's side door.

Reeve stifled laughter but couldn't stop his grin. Tseng drove the little car hunched over slightly as if to hide his identity as the driver of such a wimpy little automobile. He was a little red around the eyes, half from anger, and half from embarrassment.

"Uh...?" Reeve began hesitantly.

"It's a rent-a-car, okay!" Tseng cut him off. "My other car is in the shop again, should it be any surprise..."

Reeve just kept grinning and let Tseng drive the little manual-transmission, on-the-verge-of-misfiring little LN-7. If anything, they should be privileged to be riding in one, as there were so few of them left.

The little car bounced into the parking lot to Reno's apartment complex. He parked it in the visitors' area, away from the two areas that had been the sites of the little Cyrus-induced "accidents" that put his expensive sports car in the body shop.

"Cheer up, Tseng," said Reeve. "Reno promised there'd be lots of beer at tonight's party. You'll forget all your problems tonight, and you never know...you may even score...heh, heh..."

"For the last time, Reno and I are not an item!"

"Oooh...grumpy grumpy..." Reeve put an arm across Tseng's shoulders and walked him up the steps to Reno's flat. Tseng shook him off once they reached the porch. "Now, come on. Time to party Reno-style!"

As Reeve reached for the door, Tseng pushed a hand against it to keep it closed. "I don't know, Reeve... Seems things haven't gone too well at the last few Reno-parties we've been to. Maybe I should just go home. I'm sure we can get Rufus to drive you home later."

"Ugh...I'd rather walk. Now, come on. We've both been to many Reno-parties before, and it was just the last two that weren't the best for you. Please, just come in, and I'm sure everything'll be fine tonight."

With a grunt of semi-disapproval, Tseng pushed the door open and entered Reno's little realm. Immediately as the door swung open, Scarlett unleashed her Slap-All materia and bowled over all the party-goers.

"What was that for!?" demanded Reno, picking himself up off the floor, rubbing his cheek.

"For not inviting my dear Heidegger!" Scarlett stormed off to the kitchen in search of more booze.

Tseng cringed hearing the name of his boss...the same man who'd caught him literally with his pants down at one of the most recent parties. "So, Reno..." he approached the host. "What's the twisted game tonight? Or should I just strip right now so everyone can laugh and get it over with?"

Reno threw an arm over Tseng's shoulders and gave him a playful, alcohol-scented kiss on the cheek. "Relax, boss man! Loosen up. You're too paranoid all because of a little bad luck you had. Trust me, I would've traded places with you in an instant...well, except for the Heidegger part..."

"Let's not go there, Reno... And stop kissing me..." Tseng brushed past Reno and found himself the one searching for booze.

Reeve sat down in his customary place on the larger sofa. Rude and Rufus were at the pool table again.

Elena was the last one there, and Reno ran to the door immediately to greet her. "Hey, El'...! So, did you bring the 'stuff'...?"

"Uh, yeah...!" she said, swinging a large briefcase up and onto the back of the sofa.

There was a pause of silence. "Well...go get them...!" said Reno.

"Huh?"

"You know...the _kegs!_ So the party can officially get started!"

"Kegs?" Elena shot him a look.

Reno let his body sag in frustration. "The _kegs_, Elena...the _kegs!!_ How can this be a Merry Keg party without them!?"

"Merry Keg!?" Elena knotted her brow. "Where did you get Merry Keg from? I told you it was going to be a Mary Kay party."

"A _what!?_"

"Mary Kay! You know, as in Mary Kay cosmetics?"

Reno slapped himself on the forehead, feeling another disastrous event coming. "I don't believe this..." He went to the CD player and turned the blaring music down. "Everyone, listen up. Elena screwed up the party again! I ordered a Merry Keg party, and she brought a Mary Kay party. I have a bad feeling she's going to try selling us stuff again."

"Reno, sit down and shut up!" Elena yelled at him. "It's not the end of the world. Besides, if I know the lunatics that we hang out with, you never know who might be interested in buying cosmetics."

"Elena, go into the kitchen with Scarlett!" Reno pointed the way for her. Elena pouted but strutted over to the door to the kitchen. "And take your Mary Kay with you!" Reno threw the briefcase at her. Frustrated, he dropped heavily onto the sofa next to Reeve.

"There's not enough alcohol to go around," Reeve told him. "I suggest finding a way to get some before Rufus and Scarlett get aggravated."

"Yeah, yeah..." Reno stomped off to the kitchen to get the phone to call the nearest liquor store to order some kegs to be delivered. He'd already forgotten the girls that were there, and after he hung up the phone, he saw Scarlett and Elena engrossed in the contents of the briefcase. "What is that?" he asked, leaning over Elena's shoulder.

"Make-up," she replied. "Why, are you interested now?"

"No."

"Kyaa haa haa haa...!" Scarlett laughed, chewing on some bonbons. "Get a few beers in him, and I'll bet we can get him to consent to a facial." The two girls giggled, and Reno just walked out on them.

"Damn, the party just isn't lively enough," Reno muttered to himself, returning to a rather uneventful scene in the living room. "I know..." He walked into the center of the room. "All right, everyone!! Time for Strip-Twister!!" No one budged. "Come on, guys...!"

"No, Reno," said Rufus. "Allow me to illustrate how a typical game of Strip-Twister with Reno goes. _Left hand, green!_" He bent over as if to place his hand on the game mat, then he promptly dumped himself over and onto the floor. "Oops...I fell over...! Guess I get to take some of my clothes off!"

Reno was the only one that did not find the imitation of himself amusing.

"Well, I could get the dice and tokens out again, much to Tseng's delight, I'm sure," said Reno.

"Reno," said Rude. "Just wait for the kegs to get here. Party games are more fun once everyone's had a few too many."

"Yeah, you're right. I hope those kegs get here soon or I'll have to tap into my secret stash of Ginger Ale."

So, after a while, the kegs arrived, and everyone worked on getting drunk. Reno was sufficiently sloshed by the time he next wandered into the kitchen. The girls were still in there, decorating their faces with all sorts of blush, eye-shadow, and mascara.

"Are you _sure_ you don't want try any on?" asked Scarlett, holding up a vial of lipstick.

"Uh...no thanks," Reno backed away slowly.

"Aw, come on, Reno," said Elena. "You're the one who likes humiliating himself at parties."

"I have my limits, Elena!" Reno paused momentarily. "Mmm...on the other hand..."

Reno snuck his way through the living room and to the stairs without raising much suspicion. He carried his prize up to his bedroom while the party progressed without him just fine.

"Here's a lethal combo," said Rufus, holding up a mixed drink. "Perhaps we should let Reeve test it out before I drink it."

Reeve backed away from the drunk Vice President, turning a little green. "I don't think so, Rufus. It smells like turpentine and salad dressing."

"Hmm..." Rufus thought about it. "Not a bad suggestion, Reeve. But that's not what this is."

"Vinegar and sulfuric acid?" Reeve kept stepping backwards away from the vile creation Rufus was trying to force on him. Finally, his back hit the wall, and Rufus and the concoction were still advancing. "Get away!" Reeve swept an arm at the VP, knocking the drink from his hand. The liquid spilled onto the floor and rapidly ate a hole in the carpet amidst the white vapors that rose from it.

"Wow. Good thing you didn't drink that!" said Nathan. "What was in that?"

Rufus shrugged. "Beats me. Just a few things I found lying around."

"Remind me to tell Reno to hide his household cleaning products next time he invites Rufus to a party." Reeve sat back down on the sofa and poured himself some ordinary Brandy. "Hey, speaking of which, has anybody seen Reno lately?"

"I hope he's not passed out already," said Rude.

Tseng stood up, realizing just how out of it he'd gotten. He nearly fell over as a wave of dizziness invaded his senses. But still, he had such a craving for a martini that he couldn't help himself. He wobbled into the kitchen.

Reno came sliding down the banister, screaming like an aborigine. He howled, thumping his bony chest, successfully drawing the attention of his guests in the living room.

"Dear God...!" Reeve gasped.

Reno stood in the foyer, electric nightstick in hand and charged up, wearing nothing but a loin cloth. His face and body were streaked with colorful patterns, obviously from Elena's stock of Mary Kay products. All he needed was a bone through his nose, and he'd be the perfect caveman.

"Heads up..." Reeve grumbled, slouching further down into the sofa hoping the crazed Reno wouldn't spot him.

"Me want woman!" Reno grunted, leaping over some living room furniture, whacking his nightstick around. He encountered Rufus and began noisily sniffing the VP.

"Aaaah! Rude, get him off me!" Rufus screaming, covering his head with his arms.

Rude tried to grab Reno, but the young ball of agility evaded him. Reno jumped off the sofa, lunging at Rude. The larger Turk dodged the leap, and Reno landed sprawled out on his stomach on the pool table. The billiard balls scattered from their places, infuriating Rufus who was winning as usual.

"Dammit, you little runt!" the VP yelled. He swung his cue stick at Reno, but the young Turk was too fast. The cue stick splintered in two, and the electric nightstick swooped down in retaliation. Rude intercepted the nightstick and took an uncharged hit to his forearm, successfully guarding the VP.

"Reno! Stop this insanity!" Rude yelled at his partner. But, there was no taming the drunken beast. Reno jumped onto Rude's back and tried biting the hands that reached up to get him off. "Reno, I swear...!" Rude tried dumping Reno off of him, and the wily Turk sprung off and towards the sofa. Rude grabbed at him, but only got his hand on the loin cloth, which got ripped off the body of the obnoxious Turk.

Reno stood on all fours on the sofa, grinning at the knowledge that he was completely nude and streaked with colorful war paint. "Even better...!" he had an evil smile.

"We have no other choice but to sedate him," said Rufus, pulling his shotgun out from his long trench coat.

"Rufus, no!" yelled Reeve.

"Don't worry, pacifist. I have tranquilizer darts meant to be used on monsters, large animals, and the occasional drunk Turk." Rufus loaded his gun while Rude tried to keep Reno in sight and under as much control as possible.

"Well, hurry up!" Reeve scooted over to the far side of the sofa when Reno came too near.

Rufus lined up his shot, but Reno sprang at him like a wild cat. As Rufus tried to dodge, his gun went off. Reno bolted after pouncing the VP and stood on the pool table as the stained glass light fixture above him shattered.

"Great shot, kid," Rude grumbled sarcastically, snatching the shotgun from Rufus' hands.

The naked, questionably sane Turk ran around the living room, ducking behind furniture. Reeve scurried to find a place to hide, not just from Reno but also from the shotgun-wielding Rude.

Reno came back around by the pool table, circling his hunter. He grabbed as many billiard balls as he could and began hurling them at Rude. Rude parried, trying to keep his head away from the flying objects. One of the heavy balls struck his hand, causing him to accidentally pull the trigger to the shotgun. Over by the stairs, Reeve collapsed suddenly.

"You were saying!" Rufus scolded the huge Turk, taking his shotgun back to reload.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Tseng squirmed in his seat. "Do you mind...! Let go! I need to see what's going on out there!"

Scarlet held him down, long fingernails digging into his shoulders to keep him in place. "Now, now, Tseng. If you go out there, I'm sure Reno will just humiliate you again, and I know you don't want that."

Elena smiled at her handiwork. "There! All done. Don't you look cute, Tsengie...!?" she held up a mirror.

"Aaaah!!" Tseng screamed, seeing just what the girls had accomplished on him in the past ten minutes. They just giggled.

"Aawww, Tseng. You look so cute!" Elena cooed.

There was a sound of glass shattering in the other room, and this time, Tseng squirmed free. "I have to see what they're doing in there." He opened the kitchen door.

Everyone was unconscious on the floor except Rude and Reno. Reno saw Tseng emerge from the kitchen, and his eyes nearly lit up. Tseng had already forgotten about what the girls had done to him. Reno charged at the Turk leader, unexpectedly clubbing him with his nightstick. Tseng fell to the floor, and Reno jumped over to him, grabbing his long hair.

"Me find girl!" he grunted, dragging Tseng by the hair to the staircase.

Rude ducked behind the pool table to load their last tranquilizer dart. Reno, meanwhile, had to grab Tseng by the arm, but began pulling the oriental Turk up the stairs. The girls came out of the kitchen quite sober, but with looks saying "what the hell...?"

Rude made his way through the landscape of fallen bodies and knocked over items in his pursuit of the wild, drunk, and naked Turk. The girls got in his way.

"Rude! What is all this about!?" asked Elena.

"Reno found a _better_ use for Mary Kay products, and he let it all go to his head. He's got Tseng, and he's upstairs. I fear to know..."

"No!!" shrieked Elena. "If he's totally drunk and wasted, and he sees Tseng...!"

"Kyaa haa haa haa! That horny little bastard!" Scarlet laughed.

"Out of the way before it's too late!" Rude pushed past them and led the way up the stairs to the first place he thought Reno would be.

"Wake up, little Jane...it's your hunk, Tarzan!" Reno climbed on top of Tseng and began roughly kissing the unconscious man, running his hands through the man's silky jet-black hair.

"Reno!" Rude barked, leveling the gun at his insane partner.

"Yo! Chill, Rude! I was just having a little bit of fun! Put the gun down, okay!" Reno pleaded, showing his more sane side again. Rude lowered the weapon hesitantly. "Damn," said Reno. "I don't know who this girl is, or if I even remember inviting her to the party, but she's one hot babe!"

"Reno...that's _Tseng!_" said Elena.

Reno bent down to kiss the "girl" again, but he took a second to see exactly what Elena had tried pointing out to him. "Aaaaaah!! Tseng's a girl!!?" Reno reared back unbalanced and fell off the bed, striking his head on the hardwood floor.

"Reno!" Rude gave the shotgun to Elena and ran over to his friend. Reno was out cold, so Rude picked him up and laid him on the bed next to the unconscious Tseng. "Scarlett, can you get me some clothes to put on him before he wakes up?"

"Kyaa haa haa haa! Just what I always wanted to do...go through a man's underwear drawer!"

"Never mind..." said Rude. "I'll do it." He retrieved some clothes and dressed Reno.

"My bonbons... I forgot about my bonbons!!" Scarlet freaked. "They're probably melting all over the kitchen table!"

"How can you be thinking about bonbons at a time like this!?" snarled Elena, but she couldn't keep Scarlet from running back downstairs.

The party ended with the familiar sounds of sirens, just not from the usual police cars that responded regularly to neighbor complaints. This time, it was the medics who came to revive the knocked out party-goers.

Rufus came to, pissed that he had somehow become a victim of his own tranquilizer darts. Rude had done his best to get all the make-up off Tseng's face before the medics had arrived in hopes of keeping rumors from developing about how the Shinra high executives liked to party.

Reno had a concussion from his fall off the bed and onto the solid floor. It had also wiped out his short-term memories of the events of the night, and so Reno had no recollection of the ways in which he'd made a fool of himself during the party. He was taken to the hospital, albeit protesting, so they could make sure his head injury wasn't severe.

"He tried _what_ with me!?" asked Tseng.

"Don't let it get around," Elena said softly to him. "Then again," she giggled. "You looked really good done up as a woman!"

"Aw, shut up."

"I don't think we should tell Reno everything he did tonight," suggested Rude.

"Agreed," said Tseng. "On the other hand, isn't he going to wonder about all his broken stuff and why there's a hole in the wall from a tranquilizer dart that missed its target?"

"Probably not."

"I think another week from hell is in order. I don't mind his parties getting a little rowdy, all in good fun, but he needs a little more discipline before he gets entirely out of control."

"There's one easy way to punish him," said Reeve. "Ban him from hosting parties for the next month or two."

Tseng liked the idea. "All right. So, then, who's gonna host one the next time then?"

"I will," Rude volunteered.

"Though I think we all need a break from parties after all that's gone on the past three times we had one," said Reeve.

"We'll see," Tseng stood up, the reviving medicine having done it's job well. "I just think it's time to humiliate Reno for a change, if that's at all possible."

"You'll think of something," Elena encouraged him with a kiss on the cheek.

Hmm, Tseng thought to himself. I may already have.

**THE END**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2000. Very slightly revised March 2007. Comment if you liked this story.


	4. Turks & Shinra Christmas Party

_Turks Party 4 - Shinra Christmas Partyi  
Original Text Version © 2000 Zeng Li_

_T'was the night before Christmas  
and all through the Tower,  
No executive was stirring  
Too drunk from the party._

_The Turks were all nestled  
at home in their beds,  
Sleeping off hang-overs,  
The morning, they'd dread._

------------------------

All the executives at Shinra were invited to the company's Christmas party. Upper-middle and uppermost management convened at the executive lounge / cafeteria on the 61st floor of the corporate tower.

The party was set to begin in the early evening on a Saturday. Attire was expected to be somewhere between formal and casual. Groups such as the president and V.P. and the Turks showed up in their usual outfits.

Reeve gave them little holly berry pins to wear on their suit jackets. Reno, always out to be "different" decided to wear his as an earring. It only stayed there for as long as Reno could stand the pain of having it clipped to his earlobe.

"_Don't_ mess up this party, Reno..." Tseng had sternly warned his rebellious Turk before they left work on the Friday before.

"How can I?" Reno replied. "I'm not the one throwing it. Besides, you know that every year, the Christmas party turns into a disaster before it's over. The young, hard working execs with families go home. The shy new-comers leave early. Then the Turks and upper management break out the hardest of the hard liquor and we party 'til there's just one of us standing."

"You have it all wrong, Reno," his boss had to tell him. "That's just your re-occurring dream."

"We'll see about that..."

Reno tacked up a mistletoe hanging in the entrance way, making sure he stood under it as the guests arrived. He kissed a few young women and politely stepped aside for the gentlemen. However, when Reeve arrived...

Everyone was watching in anticipation. Not because they knew about Reeve and Reno's mutual affection for each other, but because Reno was just so darn unpredictable. He had not stepped aside like he had for the other gentlemen. The secret was still safe within their circle, but it was hard for Reeve to face Reno under the mistletoe without carrying through with the tradition of hanging it in the doorway.

Reno reached out one of his long arms and drew Reeve in closer. He gave him a swift kiss then pulled back. Those who were present just laughed, saying things like "That's just typical of Reno...", "Poor Reeve…" and stuff like that. Reno overheard some of the comments and was perfectly willing to write it all off as a joke in the eyes of the unsuspecting guests.

Reeve kept composed and walked in with just the hint of a blush underneath his beard. Reno greeted the next guest, who turned out to be a young female executive. He kissed her, too, and decided to stay under the mistletoe for a while as there seemed to be plenty of women arriving. Tseng, however, was among the mix.

Reno looked a little stunned to see Tseng standing in the doorway to get in. His boss simply tried to push past Reno, but the wily Turk wasn't about to let that happen. He caught Tseng in his arms, tipped him backwards, and leaned in to kiss him. Tseng writhed, turning his head to one side as Reno's lips closed the gap. He was numb to the cheers and dares yelled from the party guests.

Reno grinned, pausing before committing to the kiss in order to look up at his fans gathered in the banquet hall. The delay annoyed Tseng even more because the crawling in his skin told him that every eye in the place was on the two of them. Reno induced more torture by waiting. Finally, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Tseng's, drawing a lasting kiss with the extra zeal to humiliate the Turks' leader even more.

When he let Tseng go, the older man took a few quick steps away, wiping his lips with the sleeve of his blazer.

Reno shot him a grin then turned back to greet the next guest. His eyes widened, and his body went cold. Heidegger was standing there with his arms open. "Where's _my_ kiss...?" he said sarcastically.

Reno turned so fast and ran off. His dress shoes, as opposed to the boots he usually wore, did not offer him the traction he was accustomed to. As he tried to stop, he found himself skidding on the polished floor and bumping shoulder-first into a wall. Everyone laughed at him again for finally getting what he deserved.

"Gyaaah, haa haa haa!!" Heidegger bellowed from the doorway, still standing under the mistletoe. Scarlett came in behind him, and the two of them kissed under the hanging ornament. That's about when everyone finally turned their attention back to ordinary things.

Reno rubbed his shoulder as Rufus approached with two drinks. "Here you go, Reno..." But he pulled the glass away before Reno could take it. "On the other hand, you're a big enough klutz _without_ any alcohol in you..."

Reno's hand dove in and grabbed one glass from Rufus, some how not spilling any of its contents. "But I'm more fun _with_ the alcohol!"

"Kyaa haa haa...! Merry Christmas, Tsengie..." Scarlett moved in on him and kissed his cheek. Tseng tried to avoid it like he had Reno's, but somehow more repulsed at the bimbo's kiss than the Turk's.

After she let him go, Tseng took a step back. "My, my, Scarlett...aren't we festive today? Who'd have expected you to wear a _red_ dress...?"

She lightly slapped his cheek. "Kyaa haa haa...! You're funny, Tsengie!"

"Stop calling me that..." Tseng muttered under his breath.

Elena and Reeve were picking at the buffet like two classy aristocrats. Reno came in between them, his thin body nudging either of them slightly aside. He plunged an open hand into the pile of hot wings and grabbed a half dozen all at once.

"Reno! Do you mind!?" Elena snapped.

"What...!?" Reno mumbled as he took a big bite of a sloppy hot wing.

Elena shook her head. "Never mind..." She went back to selecting food with silver utensils. Reno's hot- wing-sauce-covered hand went around grabbing all sorts of things without any mind for what he was doing.

Seating was assigned by table, and after the first hour with the appetizer buffet and early drinks, they brought out the main course buffet. Elena cringed as she saw all the barbecue ribs just oozing with juices. Given that she was stuck sitting next to Reno (because no one else wanted to), she wished she had on a vinyl dress to deflect the possibly inevitable spatter that would result from Reno gnawing on those things.

The long rectangular tables seated eight. The four Turks sat with Reeve, Heidegger, Scarlett, and Mayor Domino. The president, Rufus, and the president's present wife (not Rufus' mother) sat at a smaller table near the front of the room. Hojo, Palmer, and several other high-standing execs were at their own table, followed by groups of eight for all the other hundred or so execs who were invited to this party.

Reeve and the mayor sat across from Reno, but kept turning around to talk to the deputy mayor at the table behind them. Reno leaned in close to Elena to get her attention and just simply grinned.

"What ever you're scheming, I don't want anything to do with it," she said, daintily dabbing the corners of her mouth with a napkin.

"You hang around me, you need a sense of humor, girlfriend!"

"I _have_ a sense of humor, just that right now isn't the time or the place."

"Why not? What better time to take a chance with all these other people here?"

"If your intention is to take off all your clothes..."

"What!? You think I'm stupid!?" Reno snapped, grabbing a packet of sugar from the center of the table.

Elena shook her head and looked the other way. Her attention was drawn back as she noted Reno in the corner of her eye. He ripped open the paper sugar packet and emptied it into Reeve's coffee, left carelessly abandoned and within Reno's reach.

"Knock it off..." she said quietly.

Reeve turned around and took a sip of his coffee, apparently unaware of the tampering that had begun. Reno pretended to be interested in hunting down edible things on his plate while noting Reeve's every move. When Reeve turned around again to talk with the mayor and deputy, Reno reached over and snagged a half dozen more sugars.

Elena shook her head in disapproval as Reno ripped open another one and added it to the otherwise black coffee. He sat back in his seat just in time for Reeve to turn back his way again. One side of Reno's lips curled up, but he turned and looked across the room to avoid giving himself away. Reeve apparently failed to notice again, and turned back to his conversation. Reno quickly added another sugar, then looked innocently down the table towards Tseng, who clearly saw what he was up to. Tseng just shook his head while Reno looked his way, tearing open another packet.

He reached across the table again and poured the little amount of sugar into Reeve's coffee right at the moment the victim himself turned around and caught Reno in the act. Reno's eyes went wide and he let go of the packet quickly, but all too late. The paper packet fell into Reeve's coffee.

"I _thought_ it was getting sugarier every time I drank some!" he said, picking the paper out of his drink. Across the table, Reno just grinned, and Elena punched him in the arm.

"I figured a coffee-holic like you would never notice," said Reno. Reeve got up to fetch a new cup of coffee, reminding himself not to let it out of his sight this time.

As was company Christmas party tradition, the "rookies" had to get up and sing Christmas carols. Meaning, anyone attending the executives' party for their first time, no matter how many years they'd been in the company.

As had been tradition also since he was 5 years old, Rufus got up to sing "The 12 Days of Christmas", singing the part by himself: "On the (whichever) day of Christmas, my daddy gave to me..." The rookies had to chime in for the list of stuff ending with the proverbial partridge in a pear tree. Afterwards, he sat back down next to his father swearing that it would be _the last_ time he sung that song at the party, as he'd been saying afterwards for the past 12 years.

While the bulk of the invited was still present, the Turks got up to entertain everyone as well. Reno had a bucket filled with candy canes that he tossed out at everyone while he sang. More times than not, everyone had to duck and cover their heads as the barrage of candy pelted them mercilessly until it was all gone.

But everyone knew it was worth it to stay and listen, as Reno never stuck to the script.

"Deck my balls with lace and leather..."

The other Turks accompanied him, singing "_Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la._"

"Tseng is jealous 'cuz he's smaller..."

Tseng turned red but refused to let everyone see him being a poor sport. "_Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la._"

"Help me, now, I'm gay and horny..."

"_Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la._"

"Crack the whips and show some porny..."

"_Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la._"

With that disaster out of the way, Tseng insisted on singing the next song. He always did at least one number to show off his baritone singing voice which few would know he even had. This year, he sung "Winter Wonderland." Rude sung background bass and Elena sung high tenor equivalent melody. Reno walked off stage while Tseng was singing, and no one really missed him.

As Tseng was finishing what turned out to be a very festive and well-sung Christmas song, Reno came darting out onto stage, sliding half its length on his knees, holding an electric guitar which was humming a six-string chord. Tseng stepped aside, fearing to know what was next.

Reno stood up in one fluid motion, fingering the fret board and making the guitar squeal enough to raise Rufus' mother from the dead. He stopped the strings at once and paused in silence before playing an actual coherent tune.

"Dashing through the snow...in a one horse open sleigh..." The electric guitar was not the best accompanying instrument for the song, but Reno sung it a little faster, making a virtual rock tune out of it.

"...Jingle bells, jingle bells...jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh...hey!! Jingle bells, Palmer smells, Hojo laid an egg...!"

Tseng had enough and ripped the power cord from Reno's guitar. At the stoppage of musical mayhem, Reno halted his singing the butchered Christmas carol. Everyone thought it was funny as if the whole thing had been choreographed that way.

"We can't take you anywhere, can we?" said Tseng.

Reno lifted the guitar strap over his head and put the instrument down. "So? At least I had a little fun."

"Too much...C'mon, let's go..." Tseng pushed a hand to Reno's back and guided him off the stage. Rude and Elena followed.

With the fun mostly over, guests began leaving. Reno was bored as they waited for the middle management execs to filter out. He'd had enough alcohol to make him a little sleepy. More food wasn't going to be brought out until the guests not invited to the "second" party left.

Wine, extra appetizers, and extra desserts were brought out for the small circle of people at the post-party party. It was then that the Turks and upper management exchanged grab-bag gifts. They sat around the evergreen tree decorated with lights and shiny ornaments.

Wrapped gifts were marked who they were for, but not who they were from. It took little imagination from Tseng to know who bought him the adultish gifts that he found inside his package. Of all people to get him in the grab bag, it was just typical that it was Reno.

Rude got a wig of long black hair, and Hojo was eager to volunteer the information that it was from him. "What's wrong with the hair I have...?" Rude asked, rubbing his bald dome.

Palmer was more than delighted to see that his gift was a 3-pound smoked sausage. Tseng nudged Reeve in the ribs with his elbow and said quietly, "I got him that hoping that all the fat in it will clog his arteries overnight and kill him."

The president got very expensive cuff links from Palmer. They had kind of set a round-figure limit of 200 gil for grab bag gifts, but Palmer had clearly spent more, no doubt in order to butter up to the president in hopes of getting extra funding for the space program.

Elena was pleased to see the lacy lingerie she got from her "secret Santa" and automatically assumed it was from Tseng.

"Gyah, haa haa...!" Heidegger bellowed. "I thought you would look quite nice in it! You simply _must_ show me some day."

Elena nearly turned green and tucked her gift away in hopes that things would just carry on and pull attention away from her.

Reeve got cologne from Rude, and Scarlett got perfume from Elena. The suggestion was thrown out that perhaps the two of them would like to get together some night, and Elena even offered Scarlett the lingerie she'd gotten from Heidegger.

Scarlett had Rufus and it was fairly obvious because he ended up with a huge box of gourmet chocolates with a hand-written poem attached. Even without seeing the hand writing, he could've figured her out.

Reeve was the poor soul who ended up with Heidegger, clearly the hardest of them to pick just the right gift for. Reeve had considered returning to his grandparent's farm and just scooping up a bunch of cattle dung, as that was about the only appropriate gift that had come to mind. Instead, he just settled for buying him a bottle of vintage wine.

Reno got a gift from Rufus, which he half expected to be a package bomb given the sibling-like rivalry that had broken out between the two of them in recent months. Instead, it was a new set of poker cards and chips for the parties at his house, given that it was Rufus who'd successfully flushed the old set down a toilet in one of his drunken fits.

Everyone had known that the President was stuck with being Hojo's "secret santa." They waited to see what on earth anyone could buy for the one and only Dr. Creepy. Hojo opened his package and found a capsule of Silly Putty a 4-color pack of Play-doh. Everyone laughed, but Hojo seemed all the more thrilled to have received such gunk.

With that part out of the way, they just hung around drinking and conversing until one by one, they couldn't take it any more. Hojo left first, followed by the president who apparently got drunk and didn't want to wind up acting goofy. Palmer fell off his chair and slept for a while after he'd had a little too much.

Reno was slurring his words, and his eyes were getting bloodshot, but he endured. Tseng was worried that the young Turk might start flinging off clothes, but it seemed there'd be no way Reno would be sober enough to even stand on his own two feet.

Reeve kept away from too much alcohol, instead indulging in the gourmet coffee the servers had for him. He sort of appointed himself care-taker and designated driver for the night, knowing just what kind of drunkenness everyone was in store for.

Heidegger, rare as it was for him, was drunk as well. "Yo, Reno! Where's that kiss ya' promised me when I came in?" he asked, slurring badly.

"I ain't kissin' you, you big tub of fat and hair!" Reno said.

"Why you…ugh…" Heidegger found he couldn't stand. "Scarlett, honey…"

Scarlett stood up, nearly falling over. She walked up to Reno and slapped his face. "That's for not kissing Heidegger. Ew, wait a minute…why would you want to kiss Heidegger?"

"I don't…that's why I didn't do it. What do you mean, 'ew…'? I thought you kissed him all the time?"

"I do…" Scarlett walked over to her fat, furry friend and collapsed in his lap, the alcohol finally getting to her. Along those lines, Heidegger passed out, too.

Rufus stood up, wobbly on his feet. "Rufus, the red-nosed reindeer…had a bit too much to drink…" he sung off-key.

Reno stood up and held up his glass, chiming in... "And if his dad could see him…he'd be in the deepest shit…"

Elena pushed herself to her feet, using Tseng's shoulder to balance. "All of the other Tu-urks…laughed along and sung this song…"

"They always let our Rufus…" Reeve added soberly, "join in all the drinking games."

Rude stood up and sung his lines. "Then one Midgar Christmas Eve, Hojo came to say…"

Reno took over, off-key as well. "Rufus be my Valentine…oh, you _do_ know that I'm gay?!"

"Then how the Turks adored him," Tseng added, half out of his own mind. "And they shouted out with glee… Rufus, the red-nosed reindeer…why don't you make some love to me…?" Tseng took another sip of wine and passed out, falling back into his chair.

Rufus plopped down in his seat as well, his head aching. "I would…but I'm just too fuckin' tired…"

Reno sat down, too. "Yeah…me too. I'll take a raincheck on that, though, Tseng…" He closed his eyes and soon passed out.

Soon, Reeve was the only one left awake, and he dismissed the servers for the evening, giving them each a substantial tip and wishing them happy holidays. He looked back out at the group of unconscious men and women. His eyes fell upon Reno and his heart turned to mush. He knew exactly how Reno would feel when he woke up.

He took the young man in his arms and carried him away. No one else was around or awake to see as he brought him to his car and drove home. When the others woke up with their hang overs in the morning, it would be up to their imaginations where Reno and Reeve had escaped to while they were out.

**THE END**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2000. Comment if you liked this story. Future edits pending. Originally called Turk Party #14 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	5. Turks & Shinra Company Picnic

_Turks Party 5 - The Company Picnic  
Original Text Version © 2000 / 2001 Zeng Li_

Tseng drove Reno, Reeve, and Nathan in his car on their way out of the city to the location of the Shinra executive company picnic. Being that it was a sports coupe, the back seat had little room for passengers.

"Reeve, you're squashing me!" Reno complained, fighting to shift his legs into a more comfortable position behind the front passenger seat.

"Sorry, Reno. I'm a little too tall, and the seat's up as far as it'll go without killing me."

"I'm tall, too. Tseng's the shortest of us. He should have to sit back here!"

"Reno, if you're thinking I'll actually let you drive my car, you're dead wrong," said Tseng. "Now, knock it off. I don't hear Nathan complaining."

"Oooh…can we stop here!?" Nathan asked suddenly, grabbing the back of Tseng's seat.

Tseng looked out the window and wondered which place Nathan was all excited about. "Where? The bakery?"

"Yeah! I love their apple tarts. I _have _to have one! Please…?"

Tseng rolled his eyes and hit the brakes to slow down his speeding vehicle in time to turn into the bakery. He got out so Nathan could squeeze out from the back seat, and Reno followed. "Oh, what?" Tseng asked him. "Do you want an apple tart, too?"

"No. Are you kidding, if I ate anything, I'd be unable to contort myself into that small space you call a back seat." Reno stretched his legs that had been cramped for almost an hour.

"Hurry up, Nathan," Tseng grumbled, looking at his watch while Nathan got his damn apple tart.

Nathan came out of the bakery munching on his precious apple tart and with a bag of half a dozen more.

"Nathan, there'll be plenty of food at the picnic. What are you doing with all those apple tarts?" Reno inquired as they wedged themselves back into the car.

Nathan shrugged. "Cyrus never lets me get them. May as well enjoy them while we're here. Besides, he's a little sore about my apple tarts since a certain incident involving them and a ralley car race he was trying to win. He says my insistance that we stop and get apple tarts cost him the win. I keep trying to tell him that it was just a very convincing dream he had, but he won't hear of it."

They arrived at the park a few miles outside of the barricade sealing off the slums of lower Midgar. Shinra had the park all to themselves with tables upon tables of food and several barbeque grills going.

Palmer helped himself to the entire plate of a dozen hamburgers, much to the annoyance of the others in attendance, and especially those who were waiting for a burger.

"Just say the word, and we'll forcefully restrain him," Tseng told Rufus.

"Hmm… I was wondering," said Rufus. "If we let Palmer eat enough, maybe his body will just explode, and we'll never have to worry about him again."

"Think of the cost of the food, Ruf," Tseng replied. "It would just be cheaper to hire the Turks to knock him off."

"Eh, but for free, I could get Heidegger to scare him away. Yo, Heidegger!!!" Rufus called and wandered off.

Reno, meanwhile, was slobbering away on an ear of corn on the cob. Next to him, Elena neatly held her fork and knife and tried to cut the corn off the cob real neatly. Reno looked up at her, bits of corn and smears of butter around his mouth. "What the hell are you doing, Elena!?" he commented.

"What?"

Reno reached over and forcefully extracted the silverware from her hands. "Just pick it up, dammit!" He picked up the cob and tried putting it in her hands.

Elena backed away as if it were poison. "Eew! Get it away! _You_ eat it!"

"Fine," said Reno, taking another sloppy bite of his over-buttered corn before attacking hers.

"So…" Tseng said to some of the other execs. "You guys wanna play team-Tekken Ball, eh?"

"Yeah," said Reeve. "Turks versus the executive board."

"Tseng! Reeve!" Rufus came running up to the group. "It's Scarlet…"

"Shut up, pip-squeak!" Heidegger roared at the young Vice President.

"Heidegger, you can put that terrorizing voice away. You already gave Palmer a triple heart-attack for hogging all the food."

"Sorry," Heidegger mumbled.

"So, anyway, Rufus," Tseng continued. "You're just in time for us to set up Tekken Ball teams."

"Wait a minute!?" Heidegger demanded. "What's this about Scarlet?"

Rufus smiled and blurted out, "Scarlet fainted!"

Heidegger also fainted.

Tseng looked scornfully at the young VP. "What is your problem, Rufus? Do you think any of us cares a damn about that scrawny bitch?"

"Sorry, but I think it's the sun light. It's been so long since Scarlet's been outside of Midgar, and her skin is so pale, she probably got sunstroke?"

"So?" asked Tseng. "Reno's pale as a sheet, too, and I don't see him keeling over."

"Yet…"

"And I assume Heidegger passed out because he's so fat the heat got to him already?"

"So, all the less idiots playing Tekken Ball with us," said Rufus. "All right, Tseng. Let's go round up the others. You be captain of your team, and I'll be captain of mine."

"Okay…"

And so, the teams were: Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Elena against Rufus, Nathan, Reeve, and Hojo.

"And who ever the ball goes out on has to take off a piece of clothing!!" Reno announced right before the first volley got off.

"Forget it, Reno!" Tseng snapped at him. "You'll be dropping the ball at every turn!"

"Yeah, and besides," said Rude, "who the hell wants to see _Hojo_ naked?"

There was some silence followed by Reno saying, "Well…I do." His team mates pretty much tried beating him to a pulp before the game even started.

In a sand court, they had the net set up, and they played volley ball. The hard white orb was too much for Hojo to handle, his frail wrists cracking in two the first time he made contact with the ball.

"Now how do we even up the teams?" asked Reeve.

"The teams _are_ even," said Reno. "With Elena over here being pretty much worthless."

"Hey…!!" Elena slapped him.

"Come on, you two!" Tseng demanded order.

Eventually bored of the game, they went back for more food and drink. Reno had a bruise under his eye, a result of his inattentiveness while trying to shake sand out of his shorts while the ball bee-lined his way.

"I'm surprised that's all you hurt," said Elena as Reno held ice from the cooler against his cheekbone. He reached in and got a handful of ice and cold water and tossed it violently at her. "Hey!!!" Elena squealed, shielding her eyes.

"Shut the hell up," Reno grumbled.

"Hey, Reno…" she taunted from a few steps away. "Gonna take off all your clothes for everyone?"

Reno got up and chased after her. Elena ran and vaulted into the V-shaped trunk of a large tree and climbed up a few branches. The red-head followed her, and she jumped out just as he got close to her. Giggling, she pranced off to the safety of the main party area where she could take refuge with Tseng.

Pissed off at her, Reno pulled off his sweat-drenched t-shirt and threw it to the ground, but he remained in the tree where no one could easily bother him.

Nathan kept looking out into the parking lot. Reeve noticed and wondered what the young man's curiosity was. "Oh, nothing…" Nathan insisted. "It's just that Cyrus has followed me so many places lately, I'm afraid he's going to show up."

"Don't worry," said Reeve. "The park's closed to anyone who's not a Shinra employee…or is gotten in by a Shinra employee such as yourself."

"Well, if I see a blue car pull up, I'm hiding."

"Blue car?"

"Oh, all of Cyrus' cars are blue. To him, there are two colors in the world: blue, and not-blue. He refuses to own any car that's 'not blue'."

"He's a little strange. Makes Reno seem normal."

"You can say that again. But if you ever met Jazel…she's the one who makes _Palmer_ seem sane."

Reeve shuddered. "Ugh… I hope never to meet her."

"Hiiiiiiii…!" a female voice squealed, sending Nathan jumping to inhuman heights. Scarlet put her hands on her hips. "What the hell is wrong with you, you little twerp?"

"Sorry…" said Nathan. "You sounded like someone we were just talking about."

"Oh, really? Who's that?"

"Scarlet, honey…" said Heidegger. "Are you coming?"

Scarlet giggled shyly. "Coming Heidegger, honey…!" she trotted off, wriggling her butt flamboyantly behind her.

"Ugh…" Nathan shook his head. "One guess what they're doing."

"Yeah, I know," Reeve said neutrally. "There are so many places out here to sneak off to." He quietly looked over at Reno sitting topless in the tree, his knees drawn up to his chest.

Tseng hovered around Elena, trying to smell her perfume that kept getting lost in the breeze. She only wore it on social occasions, as certain stealthly missions mandated to perfume, cologne, or other scents that would give the stalking Turks away.

"Wanna go for a walk, Elena?" asked Tseng.

"No."

Tseng circled her slyly. "Come on… It's a nice day, out of the stagnant city air."

"I said, no. I mean, what if we run into Heidegger and Scarlet? We all know why they scurried off all of a sudden."

"We can go somewhere else," Tseng grinned, trying to sneak in a kiss to her cheek.

Elena side-stepped him. "Is that all you ever think about?" she said, catching on to him.

"No. Especially since the opportunity only rarely arises. And, when it does, you're usually senselessly drunk."

"No, I'm not," she allowed him to trap her in his arms. She tapped his nose with her finger, and he pulled her in for a kiss. Afterwards, she pushed away. "I gotta set us up for the water balloon toss game."

Tseng let her go and made a little purring sound in his throat.

Meanwhile, Reno scratched his inner thigh and realized there were ants on the tree limb that were beginning to crawl onto him in areas he wanted them no where near. He jumped up and quickly stripped off his shorts without much thought. He brushed himself off to make sure tha ants hadn't gotten far. He lowered himself to the ground and retrieved his shirt too and shook both articles of clothing out good.

He looked ahead and saw Elena filling up water balloons at a water fountain. _Hmm…_his sick mind thought as he walked her way in just his sandals and underwear. He took a filled up balloon from her stash and pulled the waist of his boxers forward.

"Eeew!! What are you doing!?" Elena freaked and stepped back.

"What's it look like? I wanna go show Tseng that I'm a lot bigger than he thinks I am."

"Dammit, Reno! He's seen you naked at your damn parties so many times, I think he knows how helplessly petite your wee-wee is."

Reno's cheeks lit up red. "You know that's not true. You've seen, too."

"You're right. I have. And I've also seen Tseng's, and I stand my ground on the comparison."

Not to be outdone, Reno dropped the plump water balloon into his boxers and immediately jumped. "_**Yeeoooow!! That's fuckin' cold!!**_" he screamed, swatting a free hand at it to dislodge the balloon. Instead, the over-filled balloon burst, sending the cold water trickling down his legs and soaking the front of his boxers.

Elena started giggling so hard she nearly wet herself for real. Her hysterics drew the attention of others in the area, including Tseng. Reno hastily got back into his shorts to cover up the easily mistaken embarressment and to warm the area back up.

Meanwhile, Elena dropped to the ground, nearly splitting a gut laughing. Reno grabbed a few of the balloons and pelted her with them, exploding the cold water all over her back. Her laughs turned into shrieks.

"Laugh at me, will you!?" Reno growled.

Tseng came over, grinning ear to ear as well. He restrained Reno's arm as he was about to hurl another water balloon at point-blank range. Tseng couldn't help but desperately stifle his laughter as Reno whirled around, and he saw that the wetness was seeping into the front of the young man's denim shorts as well.

Reno looked down and saw it too. "Fuck it all to hell!" he snarled and stormed off to the sanctuary of his tree. He hid on the opposite side of the thick trunk away from anyone else.

Reeve looked around since he was with no one else at the moment. He put down his beer and walked away from all the tables with food.

Reno batted at his shorts, hoping the breeze would dry it quickly. His mind ran through feelings of bitterness towards Elena, as it was all her fault.

Reeve rounded the tree and interrupted his silent fury. Reno moved a hand to try to discreetly cover up the mark. Reeve just laughed. "I saw it. It was hilarious."

"Leave me alone," Reno grumbled and walked a few paces to the other side of the tree.

Reeve followed. "Reno…please…"

Reno dodged him again, returning to where he'd been against the tree. Reeve followed again. "What the hell's your problem, Reeve?"

Reeve trapped him quickly and claimed his lips. He kissed Reno hard and relentlessly for a while. He pulled away, and Reno, significantly calmed down, had to catch his breath.

"Shit, Reeve," Reno panted.

"You know I love you," said Reeve.

"Watch it…half the company execs are here, and some of them don't know."

"It's all right. We can still save ourselves…you know…"

"You don't _really_ want me, do you, Reeve? I mean…I'm the ultimate 'used car', if you catch what I mean."

"We all know about you, Reno. So what if you'll sleep with the stuffy, coffee-holic head of urban development. Some of us wonder if you've gone as far as Rufus…"

"Ha! Not on your life! No way I'd let _that_ prick push my buttons…and he's too fuckin' proud to let himself be taken by unrefined scum like me."

"Well then…" Reeve said slyly. "What about Tseng?"

"Tseng…?" Reno swallowed hard. "Th-those were all just jokes. He's too straight to want me anyway."

"All right…come on, Reno. Let's go back to the picnic. Maybe we can get into some trouble by, say…, shaking up all the cans of soda in the cooler and putting 'em back."

Reno grinned. "I can see grape soda dripping off of Elena's hair right now. And, with a little luck, maybe one'll drench that pretty-face Rufus, too."

"I wanna see Tseng get it. Maybe it'll knock a few of his hairs out of place." Reeve clamped an arm around Reno's slight shoulders as they walked back to the tables.

**THE END**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2000. Edited version © 2001 to remove offensive yaoi content. Future edits pending. Originally called Turk Party #9 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	6. Mud Wrestling

_Turks Party 6 - Wrestle-Mania  
Original Text Version © 2000 Zeng Li_

"You are invited to a Reno-party in the Shinra Tower's main gym after hours Friday night. Bring a guest, dress VERY casually, and be there no later than 8pm." Tseng read the card aloud to Reeve, who was also at the executive mail slots collecting his interoffice stack.

"I got one, too," Reeve dug the a similar square envelope out of his pile of mail.

"How the hell did he secure the entire company gym without me knowing!?" Tseng hissed, realizing Reno had gone way over his head on this one.

"Dress 'VERY' casually?" Reeve wondered. "Good thing I know Reno as well as I do, otherwise I might think we'd be doing jazzercise or something."

"Don't bet on it. He's got a twisted little mind, that boy does."

"I know… And I'm the moron who has feelings of affection for him. I guess the only reason I do is because I have some vain hope that I may actually cure him some day."

Tseng just snorted a laugh at the absurdity of Reeve's feeling. "You're a great guy, Reeve. Don't let him corrupt you."

And so, after work hours, everyone had a chance to go home and change their clothes before returning to the tower. Reno didn't go home since he was too busy preparing for his evening of entertainment.

"Get your complimentary jock strap!!" Reno proclaimed as guests filed in.

Tseng waved off the offer. "That's okay, Reno. I brought my own."

"You did!? How'd you know?"

"It's one of YOUR parties, Reno. It's a wise thing to bring no matter what."

Reno just laughed. "That's okay. I don't think I have one small enough for you."

Tseng turned back and whammed the smart-ass host in the gut with his fist. Reno doubled over and pretended to be hurting, although like any Turk, he was trained to properly take such a shot without it harming him much.

The guest list seemed a little more numerous this time around. In addition to the "usuals" including Scarlet and Heidegger, there were a few other familiar faces from around the office or from a band of individuals collectively known as 'Avalanche'.

There was something large and boxy that was covered up in plastic in the far corner. The surprise would not be unveiled until Reno got his guests sufficiently full of alcoholic beverages.

Tseng fetched himself a beer and stood next to Elena. "Why do I have this terrible feeling I'm going to be horribly embarrassed before the evening's over?" he remarked.

"Oh, Tseng, honey…you're entirely too paranoid," said Elena. "There's a lot more people at this one. And besides, I think Reno's too busy going through all the trouble to make this some big, grand occasion. I doubt he's targeting you tonight."

"No, no, Elena. All the more people present to WATCH me get embarrassed."

Cid Highwind seemed to have it in for Rude that night, endlessly harrassing the bald Turk as if he had some deep personal grudge against him. Cloud Strife, on the other hand, had brought his date, Tifa Lockheart, and didn't seem to be interested in picking a fight.

It didn't matter to Reno. He knew there'd be more than one "fight" before the evening closed. He had the whole revelation choreographed, including a pair of buxom babes to entice the guys and make them more accepting of what the evening was to offer.

Reno even dressed in a tuxedo shirt and tails with top hat and sunglasses…and blue jeans on the bottom, of course. He held a wireless mic and called everyone's attention.

"Now, admit it guys, and gals! Didn't you always want to get down and dirty with someone you love… or someone you HATE!?" he said to his audience.

"You've had too many beers, Reno!" called Rufus.

Tseng almost protectively put an arm around Elena. "If he wants us to have an orgy, you and I will be the first ones out the door," he said quietly to her.

Elena cuddled up to him. "Why? So we can at least do our thing in PRIVATE?"

Reno didn't seem too distracted from the comments. "I know what everyone here thinks of 'Reno-parties' and all the stereotypes that go with them. I assure you, my style will never change. However, before you all run for your lives, I'd like to assure you that the party tonight will be like no other I've ever hosted. But in the end, you'll say you should've known."

"Get on with it, ya big yapper!" Cid grumbled, having downed an entire can of beer during Reno's oration.

Reno looked over the tops of his sunglasses at the big mouth pilot. "Well, then! Why wait any longer? Ladies and gentlemen, ……………..LET'S GET READY TO **RUUUUMMMMMMBLE….!!!!**"

Behind him, the plastic covers dropped down revealing a boxing / wrestling ring flanked by his buxom beauties. On cue, hundreds of multi-colored balloons rained down from the ceiling onto the party.

"He's really lost it," Rufus muttered to himself and anyone else who'd listen. "Makes me regret letting him monopolize the gym for the evening."

"Kyaa haa haa haa!!" Scarlet cackled. "I can finally slap anyone I want! Let's start with you, little miss stupid!" She promptly slapped Tifa in the cheek. Tifa recovered quickly and slapped her back. Scarlet cocked her hand for another slap when Reno jumped in between them.

"Save it for the arena!" he told both parties.

"In the ring…out of the ring… It doesn't matter!" said Scarlet. "I can slap anyone anywhere!"

"But, to make things more interesting…it's not just plain ol' wrestling! It's MUD wrestling!!"

Scarlet's eyes lit up while others', like Tseng's, squeezed shut.

"That's right! Mud wrestling, Reno-style!" Reno returned to the area around the ring. "Another good reason that Rufus is here tonight. That oughta be a rare site. Get that bright white outfit of his spattered in mud!"

"I don't intend to wear my trench coat, Reno," the VP grumbled.

"So? I don't intend to wear ANYTHING!!"

"He's more drunk than usual," said Reeve.

"Actually, I think he's LESS drunk, if you can believe that," Rude added.

"Nathan…!! Seal the exits!!" Reno commanded his shy little friend.

Reluctantly, Nathan closed the exit door and secured it with Reno's special lock. He looked around at those in attendance, sweating as he feared Cyrus might be present.

"Now, I know I probably couldn't get any of you to consent to mud wrestling," Reno continued. "That's why I had the punch spiked three times over. And I know just how we'll get things started around here. Oh, Scarlet…!!"

"Do I get to slap someone!?" Scarlet rushed forward excitedly, her hardly-covered-up boob bouncing as she trotted over.

"Slap? You sure do. All you want, Scarlet. Just come up into the ring!"

Scarlet stepped out of her high heal shoes and bounded into the mud-filled ring, splasing face-first into the muck. Several of the others in attendance were thankful that the mud covered up some of her exposed flesh, as her evening's outfit left little to the imagination.

"Okay…" Reno said. "She seems intent on wrestling herself for now. What do you say we get her a playmate?" He strutted around the gymnasium, eyeing a lot of his guests until deciding on who should be just the right one. "You, my lucky lady!"

Tifa squealled as Reno took her by the wrist and dragged her to the ring. Cloud was at the punch bowl, too far away to stop the impish Turk from tossing her into the mud with Scarlet.

Like a hungry serpent who'd just been thrown a live mouse for dinner, Scarlet let her slapping palm fly. Coated in mud, her hand left splotchy marks all over Tifa. Cloud watched from the floor just below the ring, ducking from spatters of mud that flew his way from the scuffle. Part of him wanted to intervene, but the other part of him wanted to see Tifa prove herself against the slap-happy Shinra lady.

Soon, both were covered in dark mud and out of breath, neither really arising as the victor. Reno didn't want his guests to get bored, so he moved the show along.

"Who's up next?" he asked. "Nathan…?"

The only sober one there, Nathan just shook his head. "How's about you put Rufus in there?"

Reno grinned wickedly. "Mr. Vice President? How's about you come on up and show the world that you're not afraid of a little wet dirt."

Rufus, sufficiently intoxicated, shrugged out of his white trenchcoat and climbed the ropes into the ring.

"Excellent, excellent…!" Reno schemed. "Now that I have everyone's attention…let me ask this. Who would LOVE to have the opportunity to beat Rufus Shinra up without consequences?"

At once, everyone in the gymnasium rushed forward, pushing and shoving, raising their hands high up into the air.

Reno's evil grin widened. "That many of you, really? Ha ha ha…!! Well, then, since that hasn't narrowed it down, let me ask this. Rufus, who out there would YOU like to beat up?"

The anxious crowd below hushed, wondering just what the Vice President's answer was going to be. Rufus looked at all of them, one at a time. He looked Scarlet in the eyes… No, don't give her the satisfaction. Cloud…? No, losing battle. He'd been through that once before. Tseng…? Forget it! He's the best body guard Shinra execs ever had.

Rufus scanned the faces one more time. "I'll wrestle with………Daniel Reeve!"

There were a few gasps, some out of surprise, others worried about the young VP going up against a man as big and old as Reeve.

Reeve bowed to his challenger. "Very well, Mr. Vice President, sir. But I don't quite know why you'd have it in for me so."

Rufus leaned on the top rope and looked down. "Because! You're such a nice guy…! You're so neat and organized…and courteous! You worry more about others than yourself! And that's why, sometimes at executive meetings, I've wanted to vault across the table, take you by the neck, and pound your head back to its senses!"

The party goers all around cheered triumphantly to Rufus' little speech.

Reeve took off his flannel shirt and wriggled out of his shoes. "I'm sorry you feel that way, sir," he said, accepting his fate.

Rufus probably had never sized himself up against Daniel Reeve. Reeve was a good head taller than Rufus, and outweighed him by at least 60 pounds. The man was old enough to be the youngster's father.

There was no way he could show everyone watching that he'd made a bad selection. Luckily, Reeve was not much of a fighter. He was a bit clumsy and slow, mostly waiting for Rufus to make the first move.

Rufus had his youthful agility, hoping to overcome Reeve's bodily strength with his speed. He got behind Reeve, grabbed the back of his tee-shirt and put all his weight into toppling his opponent. Reeve dropped like a sack of bricks, splashing down into the cold, wet mud.

Rufus acknowledged the cheers while Reeve picked himself up, slicking his hair back as it was now mostly coated with mud.

Rufus did not disappoint, out-manuevering Reeve at every turn, throwing the docile executive into the drink. Rufus couldn't help but get muddy himself, but it was the smaller price to pay for showing the world just what a fool Daniel Reeve was.

The VP tripped Reeve down then, for effect, decided to full-body pounce him. Reeve mustered the strength to roll aside as Rufus came crashing down from the air. There was a big splat as Rufus dove head-first into the pool of mud.

Everyone laughed as Rufus got up, his blond hair dyed dark brown with the muck. Reeve stood over the boy and pushed his face into the mud with one hand while raising the other triumphantly over his head.

The crowd, again, applauded. Obviously, it didn't matter who was getting splattered, just as long as the mud was flying.

Rufus started to struggle, and Reeve let him go. One glaring look at his opponent, and Rufus was off to the locker room to shower up after his humiliating defeat.

Some guests were shy, but others decided to take to the ring for the once-in-a-life-time opportunity set out before them. A few muddy bodies later, and Reno began running out of willing participants.

"Hey…!" he said into his mic. "There's one man we haven't seen up here all evening, and I think we all know who that is!"

The person in mind turned away, knowing that things were suddenly stacked up against him. Fight the alcohol…fight the alcohol…! He told himself in vain.

"Tseng…!!" Reno exclaimed, coming down from the ring.

Tseng knew he couldn't run or hide. If he tried to dash, surely the other intoxicated guests would capture him and throw him to Reno's lack of mercy.

Reno walked by and circled his prey. Tseng just stood still, poker-faced as always. Reno just paced around him like a savage hunter taunting a captive. His eyes followed the jackal.

Without warning, Reno stepped behind Tseng and yanked his boss's pants down in one swift move.

Tseng felt the color light up in his face as everyone in the room cheered. Reno was holding his pants down, kind of forming a shackle effect around Tseng's ankles. Tseng's tee-shirt was too short to cover up his underpants and the jock strap he had on over them.

Reno looked closely at Tseng's private region. "Oooh…" he said provocatively. "So you're not a size 'small' after all!"

Tseng swatted a hand at him, not holding back one bit. Reno scurried away.

"Come on, big guy!" he teased. "Or don't you have the balls to fight me?"

Tseng's chest inflated with tension as he drew his pants back up to his waist. He took off after the little runt. Reno flung his shirt off before diving into the mud arena as if he could escape his enraged boss.

Tseng climbed the ropes and vaulted off the corner post at Reno. The young Turk knew he could side-step the attack, but he let Tseng get a piece of him anyway. Now…it was war!

Reno showed them all how it was done. He sprung himself off of the ropes then came charging at Tseng, using an arm to clothes-line him down. Tseng struggled to get his footing in the slippery mud in order to counter attack.

Reno found a spare moment to wriggle out of his jeans as if putting on a strip-tease at the same time.

The young Turk had a few (literally) dirty tricks planned. Not his usual fighting style, but he did such things as pulling Tseng's long hair and slinging mud into his opponent's face. The problem was, Tseng was genuinely angry at him and seemed really out to hurt him.

Reno used a little Judo and helped Tseng along during a charge…right out over the ropes and out of the ring. During that time, Reno found a chance to step out of his boxer shorts so that all he was wearing was a jock strap that was intentionally a size too big to impress the ladies.

Tseng shed his shirt as well before returning to the ring to finish what he'd started. Reno was agile, but so was he. Perhaps the only thing holding Tseng back was his knowledge of how easily Reno "broke".

"Fine…" he decided. "I'll play your filthy little game!"

Reno seemed to feed off of Tseng's anger, taunting and tantalizing, yet allowing Tseng to get the better of him on a few occasions for variety.

Reno didn't have the strength to tackle and wrestle for real. In fact, had he not been so full of alcohol, probably none of what he was doing would have been possible.

Tseng, too, was pumped, and he was not going to let this red-head trouble maker get away with it.

Reno sprung his body off the ropes, hurtling towards Tseng for a momentum-powered tackle. Tseng ducked to one side and reached out as the younger Turk's body was propelled by. Tseng came away with something in his hand, and was shocked to realize he'd managed to snatch off Reno's jock strap.

Reno grinned, looking down at what had to be the only spot on his body that was not presently covered with mud. After realizing it all, he turned and faced the crowd, getting mixed responses from the guys versus the girls. Yes, squeals from the girls; disgust from the guys. Except maybe Reeve, of course.

Reno was so busy showing off his manliness, so carelessly exposed by Tseng's hasty grab, that he didn't see his boss coming.

Tseng seized the chance to grab hold of Reno and raise him high above his head. The crowd cheered as Tseng held him by the top leg and Reno let the other one drop down to make sure no one missed what he had to show off.

Tseng caught on that Reno's sick mind was having entirely too much pleasure in his current predicament. He looked around at all the people anxiously awaiting the body slam. He caught his breath, then slowly lowered Reno back to his feet, refusing to be the animal everyone wanted him to be.

"Tseng-sama…!? How disappointing!" said Reno.

Tseng shook his head and slicked his muddy hair back. "It's kind of like getting someone's fist open," he said thoughtfully. "You can grab and pull at their fingers all day, 'til you're blue in the face…or you can simply ask them if they would kindly open their fist."

Reno looked quizzical as if Tseng were talking in some ancient Wutain tongue.

"What I'm saying, Reno…is enough…!" Tseng held out his hand for a friendly shake to signify the end of their bout.

Reno robotically put his hand in Tseng's, but Tseng double-crossed him. He hurled Reno by the arm, sending him flying out of the ring and crashing onto the long table, scattering the punchbowl and the remainder of the snack food aside. Reno's lanky frame flopped off the far side of the table and onto the hard gym floor.

The intoxicated attendance cheered the finale, but Tseng couldn't help feeling a little bad about going against his very credible philosophy.

Reno slowly got up, his drunkedness apparently overturned by the shock of what had happened. The sober Nathan was the first to his side.

Reno let his friend hold him up. "I'm fine…" Reno grumbled, clutching his side. "Don't ever trust that man."

"Can I release the door locks now?" Nathan asked. "It seems the proverbial disastrous conclusion to the Reno-party has occurred, and surely the guests are ready to go home."

Reno waved him on. "Fine. Let the babies out…" He slouched against the edge of the table as Nathan went off to tend to the locks.

Tseng approached his former opponent, handing him a large towel to wrap around his waist. "Was it fun for you?" he asked.

Reno hung his head. "Yeah, I guess. I suppose 'cause I got to embarrass you, which I think was my intent all along."

"Isn't it ALWAYS your intent?"

Reno smiled weakly. "Seems, though, I got a little embarrassed though myself."

"It's kind of like witchcraft, I suppose," said Tseng. "If you cast a harmful spell on an innocent person, it returns against you three times afterwards."

"We're just Little Mister Philosophy tonight, aren't we, Tseng-sama?" Reno dropped his head again and clutched his side.

"We'll get maintenance to clean up. Why don't you go home and rest up. You're gonna have a hangover in the morning, as well as a few nasty bruises, it would seem."

Reno moved his hand from his ribs. "Well, as the one who inflicted them, why don't you walk me home?"

"No tricks, though, Reno…"

Reno shook his head. "No tricks." He put his arm across Tseng's shoulders and walked with him to the showers and locker room. Across the gym, Reeve watched them, feeling very jealous and envious.

Leave them be…he told himself, trying to ignore the pair.

Disastrous endings were the other common staple of a Reno-party, so much that no one minded who was the victim. It wouldn't be Reno's last special-theme party by a long shot. The next one just promised to be a little less…messy.

**Next time…**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2000. Future edits pending. Originally called Turk Party #10 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	7. Turks Festival

_Turks Party 7 - Turks Festival  
__Original Text Version © 2001 Zeng Li_

"How much do these parties cost you, Reno?" asked Elena tentatively poking a fork into the roasted pig that Reno had prepared and catered to his most outlandish party yet.

Reno shrugged, shoveling another fork full of salad into his mouth before swallowing what was already in there. "I dunno…" he mumbled.

"What do you mean you don't know!?"

"I haven't paid a credit card bill all year."

"Don't they send debt collectors to your apartment?"

"Yep…" said Reno, failing to elaborate. The pause helped build up Elena's curiosity.

"Well…?"

"I deal with them my way." He pushed an entire slice of buttered bread into his mouth so to relinquish his obligation to speak to her.

"I'm sure you do deal with them, Reno," Elena said as she casually walked away from the buffet table with her food. "Probably the same way you deal with Reeve…"

Reno nearly choked as he hastily swallowed his bread. "I'll have you know I don't fuck with _every_ man that comes to my apartment!! Cement shoes take care of debt collectors very nicely, thank you very much!!"

Elena just eyed him as if to say, "Sure……"

"What was that all about?" Tseng asked Reno as he arrived to the buffet for seconds.

"I don't know… I'll tell you tonight when we go upstairs to fuck each other."

Tseng's flying fist struck Reno so hard, the young Turk went sliding across the floor of the Shinra Mansion's hall, stopping in a crumpled heap against the staircase banister.

"Your ill humor isn't always appreciated, Reno," Tseng snarled.

Reno clutched his upper arm where Tseng had struck him the hardest. "I do believe I've just been challenged to a duel," said the crimson haired trouble maker. "Chocobo jousting in the yard at noon?"

Tseng eyed Reno maliciously. "Yeah, Reno… Chocobo jousting…"

The medieval themed party was held during the day on a Saturday instead of the customary Friday night at Reno's apartment. They'd all been in Nibelheim for the past week and decided to host a party that would also include the attendance of the soldiers that accompanied them.

Rufus and Heidegger were milling around the old mansion as well. Scarlett decided to play the part, donning her skimpiest dress and calling herself "Scarlett the Willing Wench." Surely her intent was to seduce one of the men and spend the evening with one upstairs, rocking the bed until either it broke or they did. However, all in attendance were perfectly okay with the idea of her waiting on them and cleaning up after them without the added burden of having sex with her.

Reeve was having himself a joyful time. He was about the only person alive who could eat messy, sauce-covered spare ribs without getting any of it in his beard or mustache. His cheeks were flushed a little red as he'd had not enough caffeine and entirely too much alcohol.

Rufus paraded around the courtyard behind the mansion, dressed in his "kingly" outfit. A short velvet-lined cape, tasseled shoulder décor, and metallic embroidered collar and vest made him look more like an admiral from some fantasy imperial armada. His polished white shoes gleamed in the sunlight as he strutted along, nose in the air like the rich spoiled brat he was.

Which made it all the funnier when he stepped on a rake the grounds keepers had left carelessly lying around. The handle sprung up and whacked him right between the eyes. Rufus stepped back. "Call my royal executioner and have the head cut off of the man who left this rake here!" he yelled to cover up his humiliation.

"Yes sir!" said the three nearest soldiers, who all ran inside to call on Tseng Wulong.

Rufus grinned. "Hmm…" he said too quiet for anyone else to hear. "This could be fun…"

Rude staggered upstairs to lay down. The pitcher full of Jack Daniels that Reno had served him wasn't settling well with his stomach. It was hard to tell what was worse, laying down or standing. He paced around the bedroom nearly tripping over his own feet, leaning a hand carelessly against a stone fireplace. A hidden door unlatched, and he fell into a downward spiral staircase leading to a basement. The big, strong, and bald Turk bounced down the wooden spiral on his head, on his butt, and just about every other part of himself before landing at the basement floor.

"Ugh…" Heidegger doubled over clutching his plump belly. "What is in this food, wench!?" he demanded.

"Oh, Heidegger, honey…" said Scarlett, flitting around nearby. "Forget the food. Why don't we go upstairs and…"

Heidegger turned to one side and emptied his stomach contents all at once.

"Well…" Scarlett said defiantly. "It's not MY fault that you ate the wax centerpieces instead of the actual buffet food."

Reno stood up on the long table outside. "Ladies and gentlemen," he announced loudly, getting even Rufus' attention. "Tseng has challenged yours truly to a jousting competition!"

"No, I didn't, Reno!" Tseng yelled from the back door where he sought shelter from the afternoon sun.

"I was gonna suggest that we used our stiff, er…" Reno looked around and spotted a few young soldiers who were likely still virgins. "…manhood as lances, until I realized that I'd be fighting an unarmed opponent."

The soldiers laughed while Tseng seriously reconsidered just having good clean fun with the duel. The longer the soldiers laughed, the more he sought blood.

"King Rufus," Reno turned to the vice president. "Would you sit and watch our honorable competition, sir?" He bowed flamboyantly.

"Why, yes, Serf Reno, I will," said the young VP. "If only to watch you get your ass kicked."

The soldiers laughed again, but Reno didn't appreciate being the target this time. He hopped down from the table to go prepare for his stupid competition.

"Yo, wench!" a soldier called to Scarlett, holding up his glass. "More wine!"

"Yes, more wine…thank you very much…!" Scarlett put the flask to her lips and gulped a big, intoxicating swallow of the purple liquid. She staggered, nearly tripping over her own feet, then plodded drunkenly along without refilling the soldier's cup.

Reeve came out of the Shinra mansion dressed in a costume that Reno had obviously picked out for him. The young Turk had followed Reeve out into the back yard festivities as the head of urban development showed off his new wardrobe.

"This is King Arthur Reeve," Reno introduced the tall handsome man to everyone. "I will be His Highnesses champion in the joust this afternoon!"

"Hey!" Rufus protested. "I thought _I_ was your royal Highness!"

"You are in bed, baby…" Reno grinned, winking at the Shinra VP. It earned him having a ripe zucchini flung at his head, but the fast Turk dodged it.

Reeve had on a chain mail and leather outfit from the mansion's basement armory where they stored old combat armor. In one metal gauntlet, he held a sword, also plucked from the wares.

Rufus wouldn't be outdone, and the look was in his eyes. He flicked his hair back defiantly. "Is that right? Well, then I call on _my_ champion, Tseng Wulong to do combat with you and lead the Rufus J. Shinra empire to victory!"

The soldiers, obviously bored of their shifts guarding Nibelheim and its Mako reactor, got all excited about the promise of the event to come.

"And what ever _that_ thing you brought along is…" Rufus disdainfully waved the back of his hand at Reeve.

"Sir, I'm Head of Urban Development for Shinra…" Reeve said defensively.

"No you're not!!" Rufus yelled, putting Reeve back into character for the moment. "For now you're a king from a rival country. The loser of this competition and his followers must leave this festival!" He looked over at Tseng who was showing that he'd be more than glad to leave the obnoxious environment that had been created in recent hours. "Uh…no. Never mind that. Who ever loses the competition must be Scarlett's slave for the rest of the day."

Both Reno and Tseng recoiled simultaneously. Scarlett howled and shook her booty while the two Turks just winced.

"There!" said Rufus. "Now that I have your attention, and now that I know you will both take this competition very seriously…"

Scarlett just danced around, a constant reminder to the players what their fate would be if they should lose the competition.

Chocobos were brought out from the nearby stables for the tournament while the participants got dressed for the occasion. Tseng selected fitting things from the armory in the basement. Breastplate, fauld, gauntlets, greaves, and riding boots. The helm he selected was one that did not hide his face nor the long sweeping black hair that trailed down his back. Surprisingly, Reno hadn't joined him in the armory for his own costume gear.

Reno, of course showed up later, at the far end of the backyard where his chocobo was hitched. He had a red cloak wrapped ominously around his body and a closed helm over his head, the visor latched down over his face. When the soldiers in the audience, and the respective 'kings' acknowledged him, Reno flung the cloak off himself to reveal underneath…little to nothing. The sun light reflected off of the polished metal he wore.

Tseng laughed. "That's right, Reno. I always knew your wee-wee could fit comfortably inside a thimble."

Everyone, even Reeve, laughed. Reno pushed his visor up and looked down at the scant piece of armor he wore over his groin. "Very funny. But I have my reasons." Reasons that included knowing that Tseng wouldn't want to seriously injure the Turk who wasn't wearing body armor, therefore allowing Reno to take a clearer shot at his own opponent.

Reno and Tseng climbed onto their chocobos, and lances and shields were handed up to them. Reno closed the visor of his helm and aimed his lance. Tseng positioned his shield and settled onto the edgy ride under him. At the crack of a starter pistol, the chocobos charged.

As Reno had predicted, Tseng had to carefully aim for the near naked Turk's shield, otherwise the lance could easily kill the rider. Tseng was sharp, though. He didn't want to be Scarlett's slave any more than Reno did. And despite Reno's perverted nature, he knew that the young Turk would do everything possible to avoid the consequences.

Both lances broke as they struck their opponents' shields, but it was Reno who didn't have the strength to hold up against the force of collision. He fell from his ride while Tseng stayed mounted, turning the chocobo around to see his fallen foe.

The crowd went crazy, and Scarlett was just about ready to strip all her clothes off when Reeve stepped in to intervene.

"Wait a minute!" he demanded before the crowd silenced him. "King Rufus, you were the one who made up _all_ the rules of this competition. I want to make one of my own! It's only fair that I get _some_ say!"

Rufus leaned his cheek against a propped up hand. "What is it…?" he said in a bored tone.

"I say the best two out of three competitions to determine the winner."

Rufus just laughed. "All right. But I don't think your '_champion_' has much life left in him."

Reeve turned around and saw Reno lying on the ground, his helmet visor open and his face twisted in pain. Elena and two soldiers were at his side, already working on replacing Reno's dislodged shoulder joint back where it belonged. After resetting the dislocation, a soldier cast Cure 3 on the injury to heal it rapidly.

"Try not to get hurt again, Reno," said Elena. "The materia crystal will require a few hours to recharge enough to cast Cure 3 again."

Reno slowly rose to his feet, realizing that his body wasn't gonna hurt any more for now. "So, uh…what's next then?"

Well, according to Reeve, it was an archery competition. It gave the competitors a chance to show off other skills while minimizing the possibility of another serious injury.

Reno was always the marksman, though, which is why he got to shoot his arrow at the apple on top of Rude's head while Tseng had to shoot at Heidegger. Much as Tseng wanted to shoot Heidegger right through the brain, he knew there'd be hell to pay if he did, and it wouldn't be worth it. Being too careful, he shot high and just barely nicked the top of the apple.

Reno, still dressed in his jousting 'armor' except for the helm, took aim at Rude. "Yo, my best buddy. If this doesn't go well, I'll drink a pitcher of rum for ya!"

Rude still fretted, but it was over very quick. The arrow pierced the heart of the apple, easily winning the competition for the Turks' marksman.

"Ah, most interesting, King Arthur Reeve. Seems your bony champion is good for something after all."

"Oh, he's good for _other_ things, too…" Reeve shifted in his seat.

"What's that?"

Reeve perked up. "Uh, nothing, Sir."

The final element of competition was hotly debated. It seemed everything they came up with wouldn't work, as one or the other would have a definate advantage over the other. Rufus must've been too drunk when he agreed to a human-Chess tournament.

The board was made real quick and last minute on the lawn using ropes crossed over each other to make 64 squares.

The soldiers in blue uniforms lined up as Tseng's chess pieces. The captains in red uniforms lined up on the board for Reno. Armor and accessories from the armory were given to the live chess pieces so that they could tell who was supposed to be what piece.

Needless to say, Reeve was totally riveted. Rufus yawned and fell asleep, the alcohol having its effect.

Rufus pretty much woke up as if on cue when he heard Tseng say the tell-tale phrase: "Check mate."

If there were a physical chess board in front of him, Reno would have grabbed it and toppled it over, scattering the pieces all over the floor. But, he didn't have that liberty. Instead, he went off on some temper tantrum, whining and moaning that it wasn't fair and that he wanted a second chance.

Tseng just sat back and grinned. While Reno was stamping his feet and nearly convulsing in frustration, Scarlett homed in on him behind his back. Ignoring the new company present, Reno swatted his hands at table center pieces, glasses, and other loose objects.

He stopped abruptly when he felt the belt holding up his 'garment' come undone. The metal armor slid down from his hips, leaving his manhood exposed for a moment until the shock of what had happened registered with his drunken mind.

He turned around and saw Scarlett eyeing him. The nude Turk turned and ran back into the mansion. Scarlett gave chase, keeping up with the barefooted Turk. Reno ran into the town center by the old well but tripped over a raised cobblestone in the path. He rolled over in time to see Scarlett take a flying leap at him in some obsessive move to pounce on him. Survival instinct made Reno roll to one side, and Scarlett flew over him and down the shaft of the well. Her screaming voice echoed all the way down until a plunk and splash was heard as she hit bottom.

Reno got up and looked down the dark shaft, unable to see much in the deep pit. He smacked his hands together and returned to the mansion to get his regular clothes back on. He returned a while later to the banquet, where things were settled down once again.

He sat down next to Tseng and Reeve. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be Scarlett's slave for the day?" asked Tseng.

"Yeah," Reno replied calmly, sipping some red wine.

"Well, where is she?"

"She, uh…went for a swim. She didn't order me to join her, so I came back here instead. So I guess losing this little competition of yours wasn't so bad after all."

Tseng went back to his drink, having a feeling Reno was up to no good anyway. The sun began to dip closer towards the tree tops, and everyone was still having a good time. There was more food being brought out for dinner. A few soldiers with hidden talents performed for them.

And before things were all done and over with, a soggy wet wench returned to the party, slimy old leaves from the bottom of the well still stuck all over her. With silent vengeance, she fetched a pitcher of ice water and approached the unsuspecting Reno. She pulled the loose collar of his shirt and dumped it all down his back.

Reno bolted up screaming, fists closing as he prepared to counterattack.

"Hey, what do you know," said Reeve, his nose flushed red from the sunlight and alcohol. "Scarlett's returned from her swim."

"Yes, and since Reno _IS_ her slave for the day, we can't hold him here," added Tseng. "Go on, Scarlett. He's all yours."

"B--But…!" Reno protested.

"A deal's a deal, and you lost. Now go on…" Reeve shooed Reno away.

Tseng just listened as Scarlett dragged Reno back into the mansion. He was quite sure that Reno was genuinely bawling over his fate. He wasn't seen again until the next morning, leaning on crutches because his abused hips were stiff and sore from the torment of going on all night with Shinra's resident bimbo. The muscles in his legs were about as supportive as jelly, and he was covered in numerous bruises and hickeys, telling one and all what a night it had been. He had even come into his work place in clothes that were ten times sloppier than usual, and his hair was a helpless tangle of red shooting off in all directions.

He could hardly sit down in a chair, his hips protested so badly. Tseng was amazed the usual hypochondriac came into work at all. Unless there was some kind of male ego that had to be satisfied in showing off just what kind of activity-filled night he'd had the day before.

"I'm sure you could've gotten away from her if you tried," Tseng said, a bit apologetic that Reno was the one that had to take the abuse.

"I think I was too drunk. Besides, she's outright unstoppable when she's determined to get what she wants."

"Now you know how I feel when I'm subjected to your lunacy at all those parties I've been your target at."

"Yeah, but I never abused you _this_ badly."

"Oh, the invisible mental scars…"

"Yeah, well…" Reno just sighed, having used up most his energy limping his way into work.

Tseng squeezed Reno's shoulders, eliciting a few groans of pain. "Tell ya what…I'll send you to the spa for the day. Loosen you back up and all."

"The _spa_, Tseng…? It's stuff like that that put me _in_ this shape."

"No, not _that_ spa… Besides, you never know when you'll run into Rufus in there. You can go to a normal one."

"Thanks, Tseng…"

Tseng held Reno for a little bit longer, but then shook his head to snap himself back to reality. He walked off thinking to himself, _damn pretty boys…_

**More to come…**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2001. Comments welcome. Future edits pending. Originally called Turk Party #21 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	8. Materia Party

_Turks Party 8 - Materia Party  
__Original Text Version © 2001 Zeng Li_

Reno considered it a boring day. The candidate he was tracking down for Soldier was an easy and willing catch. An otherwise slow day at the office, he left work 2 hours early and headed home.

Along the way, he happened upon an outdoor auction. Riding his motorcycle on this particular day, he wouldn't be able to acquire much of anything there, as bringing it home would be next to impossible. He knew that before he pulled in, but at least figured he'd get into bidding wars with rich folks just to increase the sale price, then back out in the heat of bidding, forcing them to pay more just for the hell of it.

Reno pushed his goggles up his forehead to where he usually wore his sunglasses and scanned the pile of things to be auctioned off. There didn't seem to be much left of any value, but he could at least up the bids in vain and get his kicks in.

He took a seat and let the current item get sold without his interference. He brushed his hand through his fiery, wind-blown hair.

"The next item is…a 1/64 scale airship. The bidding will begin at 1,000 gil," said the auctioneer.

_You've gotta be kidding…_ Reno thought to himself, especially as he heard the first enthusiastic voice place the opening bid. Then another chimed in right away. _Well, what about it?_ he asked himself again. "Three thousand gil!" he bid with hardly the conscious thought.

"Five thousand!"

"Six thousand!"

Reno bid again. Since the demand seemed so feverish, he knew he could pump the bidders up higher. "Seven thousand."

"Daddy, daddy! I want it!" a little child's voice whined.

"One hundred thousand!" a father's voice brought about sudden silence.

"Sold! To this lucky person," said the auctioneer.

"Yay!!" the kid bounced up and down, rushing up to take his silly model of some older style zeppelin airship.

_The kid'll have it broken by morning,_ Reno said in his mind.

He successfully pumped up a few prices in bidding wars, making people pay as much as 10,000 gil for a pair of so-called antique salt shakers.

The last item was the "mystery sack", presumably filled with loose odds and ends that typically sold off for a low price. Reno took the opening bid of 10 gil for it, but everyone by then had him figured out. They refused to have him make them bid higher, only to pull himself out once the price was substantially inflated. Reno was left all alone with his 10 gil bid, and so he got to take the mystery sack home.

He placed the item in his back pack, not even opening it yet to see what was inside. He drove back home, his red hair blowing back in the wind as though his head were on fire. A look down at his watch revealed that he'd spent too much time at the auction and that he'd have little time at home to prepare for the Friday night party before guests started arriving.

For that, he thought about just tossing the sack into some corner and worrying about it later. But, he was entirely too curious. After all, how long would it take to peek into a sack filled probably with the content of the home owner's former 'junk drawer'? He dumped the loose contents out and, to his surprise, it wasn't filled with junk, but was instead filled with materia of all 5 colors!

Reno immediately snatched one up in hand and turned it over and over, looking for an indication as to what purpose or power the materia had. Nothing was obvious. He put it down and picked up a pink orb, but could also not tell what it was. In fact, all the orbs inside the sack were blank and without inscription as to what ability it had. Either that, or they were all duds.

His doorbell rang unexpectedly, and adrenaline shot through Reno's body as he realized he wasn't fully ready for the party to start yet. He looked down at the red 'summon' materia in his hand and decided that if he were to find out if any orbs worked, now would be a good time. He cast the summon then opened the door, intending to surprise the first arrival.

It was Tseng, of course. But the summon didn't seem to have worked. Disappointed, Reno let Tseng in without even a jock strap or any other so-called door prize to give. But it wasn't over yet. A cartoonish character jumped into the scene and handed Tseng a lit red stick of dynamite. Then it ran off.

Tseng paused in confusion, looking at the stick as its wick hissed down towards the base. Not taking any chances, Tseng hurled the dynamite out the front door where it rolled underneath a blue Corvette. A second later, the vehicle exploded, sending debris scattering in all directions.

"Hey!" Nathan whined. "That was Cyrus' car!!"

"Yeah, like he'll miss just one little car from his dealership-like inventory," Tseng grumbled.

The full outfit of guests filed in. Elena was the first to spot the pile of orbs crawling out from the sack on the coffee table. "Oh, how pretty!" she said, collecting up some of the colorful orbs.

"Don't you know materia when you see it, Elena?" Tseng asked dryly.

"Dumb blond…" Rufus muttered.

"Look who's talking!!" Elena yelled at Rufus, shoving the V.P.'s lack of forethought back at him. Rufus just brushed his hand through his own golden tresses.

"I just can't figure out what any of this does," Reno picked up another piece, vainly examining it.

Tseng grabbed one, too. "Well, what the heck was that when I walked in, other than my door prize?"

"The most worthless summon I've ever seen," said Reeve. "But cute, of course."

"Kyaa, haa, haa, haa!" Scarlett walked through the front door with her hubby-to-be in tow. "Don't mind if we come to the party tonight, do ya!?"

"Why?" asked Rude. "Did the Honeybee throw you out again for lewd behavior?"

Scarlett just giggled rather than her usual cackling. "Ooh..." she stopped suddenly. "Materia...?"

"Quick," said Reno dryly. "Find out which one is Scarlett Lure and get it out of here. Ugh..."

Scarlett had slapped him across the cheek. "Don't make me remind you what I can do to a man..."

Reno winced, remembering his unpleasant experience after losing the competition. "Please..." he groaned, cupping his hands over his manhood. "I'm still sore from that..."

"The best way to find out what they do...is to try them out!" Rufus gathered a green orb in hand.

"Please...not indoors, Sir!" said Tseng. "You don't know what it's gonna..."

Too late. Rufus had cast the spell from the green materia. At first it seemed like nothing happened, but slowly, Rufus' feet rose up off the ground.

"Aaaah! I'm floating!" Rufus waved his arms in the air like wings. Soon he was with his back against the 9-foot high ceiling, looking down on the party-goers.

"Sir, give me your hand," said Tseng, rushing to the aid of the man he was sworn to protect.

Rufus just smiled. "Hey, wait. I'm having quite a bit of fun. This is about how I feel after I've had one drink too many anyway. Only this time I'm sober and quite enjoying it." The V.P. pushed off against the ceiling and propelled himself across the living room.

Reeve held a pink crystal up to the light. "There's gotta be a way to tell what each of these things are. Usually they come with some natural inscription or pattern in them that gives it away."

Rude hic-cupped, holding one of the other pink orbs. He staggered a step for reasons unknown. Reno scanned the living room. "I haven't even gotten the booze out yet! What's wrong with you!?"

Rude's feet crossed clumsily in front of him, and he face-first onto the sofa. He dropped the materia crystal, and a few seconds later, he felt perfectly fine. Elena picked it up, and soon she was swaying, too.

"Whoa! This is some kind of drunkness enhancer!" she quickly put it down. "I can see Reno getting a lot of use out of this."

"Yeah, but not now. Besides, it's no fun to cheat."

"Weeeeee!!!" Rufus squealed as he'd pushed off the front door with his feet and launched himself up the staircase to the second floor.

Everyone watched, surely feeling envious that the vice president was having so much zero-G fun and no one else was. For that, Reno grabbed the first green orb his hand could reach and cast the materia's spell. It seemed to demand a target, so the first person he thought of was Rude.

Emerald light fired from Reno's hands that held the orb, and a puffy black cloud formed a foot above Rude's head. There was a crash of thunder, and it started raining exclusively over the big Turk. Rain water quickly started running in all directions down Rude's bald dome and pooled up on the carpet.

"Yo! Take that outside, Rude!" Reno yelled as if it had been the bald Turk's fault. Rude slinked off to the back yard where his black cloud could do something useful like water the plants.

There were about 2 dozen orbs still on the table. Reno reached for a random one.

"Now, where was I..." he said, looking at the pink orb, trying to see what kind of effect it could have. But all of a sudden, he felt a strange and sudden burn in his loins. "Whoo-hoo!!" he held it up triumphantly. "Sex-Plus materia!!"

After he had his chance to dance around with it for a few seconds, a slap across the cheek stopped him as fast as turning out a light. Reno's hand dropped the orb, and it fell into Scarlett's hand.

"That's a good boy..." Scarlett mocked him as the feeling he'd had a moment ago faded. "Come, Heidegger. Time to go upstairs..."

Heidegger swallowed hard and followed her to the second floor, for once having second thoughts about it. As an after-thought, he had snagged the pink drunkenness-enhancing materia before she dragged him away. As they went up the stairs, Rufus floated along the upstairs ceiling. The couple ran down the hall below him, and Rufus turned his head curiously. The guest bedroom door slammed shut and locked, and Rufus decided that now would be a good time to float back downstairs.

The materia spell must've decided as well, because the float spell wore off, and Rufus plummeted to the ground. He hit the top stair and tumbled loudly, all the way down until he ended up mushed up against the front door, his back on the floor and his legs bent up the vertical wall.

"Sir, Rufus!" Tseng leapt over the coffee table to get to the V.P.'s side. Elena was there, too, while Reno and Nathan just laughed, and near by, Reeve silently snickered over the heir's misfortune.

Tseng lifted Rufus to his feet. The young V.P. was shaken but otherwise unhurt. The Turk sat him on the sofa while Elena slinked up from behind and put her soothing hands on Rufus' back.

Rufus cracked half a grin over what had happened. "Well, at least the floating part was fun..." he said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Relax, sir," said Elena, her hands squeezing his muscles. "Just let me rub your back...your shoulders..."

"Your genitals..." Reno added as he walked behind Elena. He was doubled over before he knew it, Elena's swift fist nailing him in his own.

"Go rub your own," Elena sneered.

"Ugh...I think I will..." he staggered into the kitchen without another word, holding his sensitive area the whole way.

"You hang around the stuff long enough and I guess you intuitively come to know what spell or attribute it has." said Tseng. He'd been handling a yellow orb for a while, trying to let his senses detect its function. "Here you go, Nathan. For Cyrus."

"Hmm?" Nathan looked questioningly at the orb.

"It's Lighten Up materia. See if it improves his cynical attitude."

"It might be a tough sell. After all, it's not blue."

"Well then, here…" said Tseng, tossing a green piece of materia to Nathan. "Well, here's one that's really Not Blue."

"Well, no kidding. It's green…" Nathan grumbled.

"Don't believe me… Go ahead and use it."

Nathan clutched the orb and cast the spell. Twinkling green lights emitted from the orb and clung onto Tseng's uniform, and within a few seconds, his blue Turks uniform turned pink.

Tseng jumped. "I didn't say try it on me!" he yelled, embarrassed with his new look.

"Oh, I get it. It turns blue things into not-blue colors. I can't wait to use it on his Yugo."

"Hey guys...? Can we just play a nice game or two of poker for once?" Reeve asked, his hand covering a blue orb he'd recently snapped into his bangle.

The host was still off in the kitchen doing who-knows-what while Reeve, Rufus, and the two Turks huddled around to play. Nathan, being horrible at card games, just watched.

Reeve dealt the cards with a little curl to his lips. "Chips or real money?" asked Tseng.

"Eh, real money. But the winner has to use it to buy bagels and donuts Monday morning." _Damn, you're too modest, Reeve!_ He cursed himself.

Reno considered himself lucky that no one had come into the kitchen while he was waiting for the pain from Elena's strategically-placed fist to go away. He'd undone the zipper of his pants so any tightness wouldn't further irritate him. For a while, he seriously considered dumping an entire tray of icecubes down the front of his trousers, only to stop to consider the spot it would make once the ice started to melt.

It took 'til about the third set of groans coming from the living room for him to perk his ears up.

"Give me that!" Elena squealed, apparently knocking something over as she reached across the table.

"He's stacking the cards!" Rufus whined after her.

Reeve fanned the cards across the table and turned his palms for everyone to see. His insistence that he did no such thing was muffled by the argumentative voices all around him.

"What's _this!?_" Tseng lunged far, his clawed hand snapping shut firmly around Reeve's wrist. He held the larger man tight for the few seconds it took him to pop the blue orb of materia out of the bangle.

Reno burst out of the kitchen. "What's going on out here!?" he demanded.

There was a sheepish knock on the door behind him. Reno turned to see Rude shyly poking his head in through the back door. "Reno...? Can I come in yet...?"

"Not until it stops raining over your head. Now _GO!!_ You're getting water all over my floor again!"

"Lucky Seven materia..." Tseng shook his head, disappointed in the otherwise honest man.

Reeve hung his head. "Sorry... But at least I agreed to buy bagels and donuts with my winnings…"

"That took _balls_, Reeve!" Elena said, shooting a glance at Reno to watch him visibly wince.

"I could really go for another float about now…" said Rufus, getting ready to cast the spell from his green orb again.

Reno grabbed it out of the V.P.'s hand first. "Hey, _I_ won this stuff at the auction! It's all mine, you know! Even that Sex Plus materia that Scarlett is… _ahem_… borrowing. Now anything you guys took, put back!"

Everyone of them sheepishly emptied a few orbs from their pockets.

Reno wouldn't let Nathan put the Lighten-Up materia back. "Keep it," he said. "Cyrus needs it more than any of us. Especially after you tell him Tseng blew up another one of his cars."

Nathan's head sank a little bit into his shoulders.

The front doorbell rang. "Now what…" Reno grumbled, stomping over to answer it.

Some jump-suited delivery man held a clipboard. "You Reno Nevada?"

"Yeah, what'd'ya want?"

"The catapult you rented is here."

"_What!?_ You were supposed to deliver that _last_ week for our medieval festival. What good's it gonna do me _now!?_"

The pudgy man shrugged. "You've already paid for it. May as well keep it for a while."

"Keep it for a while…" Reno muttered as the man walked off. "I should shoot you off to the moon with it…" As he came back in, he could see through the window of the back door that the large contraption was being off-loaded right outside. He shook his head an sat back down.

"Who was that, Reno?" asked Elena.

"The Tooth Fairy, coming to collect the teeth I'm about to knock out of your head!"

"Uh…some Lighten Up materia, Reno," Nathan offered the yellow orb to Reno, who just took a failed swat at it.

The fell quiet in the wake of Reno's tantrum. The young Turk looked around the room. "Tseng…? Why are you wearing a pink uniform…?"

Tseng's cheeks lit up red. "Maybe since I'm wearing something that amuses you, you'll be less likely to make me take it off."

"I think you look just cute the way you are," Elena leaned in close to him, cocking her head flirtatiously.

"What's that thing, Reno?" asked Rufus, standing between the living room and kitchen, looking out the back window.

Reno sighed and stood up. "Well, since I technically rented it, I may as well at least take a look at it."

Everyone was curious and followed him out the back door. Rude was pacing around the perimetre of the fenced off back yard, the storm cloud raining above him providing vital water for Reno's parched excuse for a garden. The catapult was about the height of the ground floor, placed almost right up against the apartment building.

"Since the medieval festival was a week ago, I'll have to think of something humorous to use this for," said Reno.

As if on cue, a reason fell right into his lap. Or actually fell right out the upstairs window. Scarlett and Heidegger's wild love making had ended in them crashing through the upstairs bedroom window, landing them so appropriately in the basket at the end of the catapult's arm.

Reno wrung his hands together and kind of spoke to no one in particular. "Oh, I know I'm gonna catch hell for this tomorrow morning, but there's no way I can resist."

"Reno, _no!_" said Tseng, given that Heidegger was his boss and all.

"Go ahead, Reno. I'll see you don't get burned for it," said Rufus.

The catapult had been delivered pre-wound, and all Reno had to do was kick the lever over, and the long arm snapped upward, propelling the half naked occupants into the air with great speed. Scarlett and Heidegger sailed high above the Midgar plate and out of sight.

Meanwhile, President Shinra had important delegates in his 70th floor office for a very serious business meeting. While Old Man Shinra was announcing his proposal, the two suits in front of him sat with wide eyes, and a second later there was a tremendous thud against the thick glass as both Heidegger and Scarlett splattered into the window behind him. The president turned around in time to see them slide down the glass and into crumpled heaps on the rooftop outside.

When he turned around again, the two suits were getting up, briefcases in hand. "W-Wait!! Where are you going!" the president demanded, plodding after the two men.

Scarlett and Heidegger sat up in a daze, hopefully unable to recall the circumstances of the night.

Reno clapped his hands together as if to knock off dust. The black cloud over Rude's head vanished.

"Well, that was fun," said Reno, going back into the apartment. Everyone followed him in. "How's about to celebrate, we play around with some Float Materia!" He inserted the small orb into his bangle and linked it with a blue All materia that he already owned.

The apartment shades weren't drawn, and surely more than a few neighbors noticed a little something odd as they could see into parts of the apartment. But then again, they saw odd things over there just about every night, so how different was this really gonna be?

**Another to come…**

Go to Chapter 23  
Back to Turk Party Index

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2001. Comments welcome. Future edits pending. Originally called Turk Party #22 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	9. Snowball Party

_Turks Party 9 - Snowball Party__  
__Original Text Version © 2002 Zeng Li_

The calm, snowy mountains were about to explode with a wild frenzy known as a Reno Party. It wouldn't have been much of a party without him, but keeping him around ensured chaos and humiliation to some.

The mountains that served as a backdrop for the great city of Midgar were capped with snow. A level valley surrounded on 3 sides by mountain peaks housed a lake that froze over this time of year. Only a few evergreen trees were present and scattered seemingly by random across the expansive valley. The place had become a winter resort, built up by Shinra funding and for use only by Shinra employees. A chain-link fence surrounded some of the lake, a small cabin with a fireplace was built, along with a few other structures to keep the place from being barren wilderness.

The Shinra helicopter descended, blowing the snow off the surface of the frozen surface of the lake and continued on to an area over land. It hovered as the pilot maneuvered for a slow descent.

"All ashore who's going ashore!" Reno proclaimed over the sound of the rotors. He gave Rufus a great shove from behind, sending the boy tumbling out of the aircraft and into the deep snow. He laughed, admiring the body-shaped print that Rufus left at his landing site.

Tseng grabbed him roughly by the back of the jacket and pulled him towards him. "That's the Vice President's life you're playing with, Reno!!" the Wutan barked at him.

"Relax, Tseng. I just wanna get him riled up. Him…and also you!" Reno grabbed Tseng's jacket and flung him overboard prematurely as well. Down below, Rufus was just getting to his feet when Tseng's weight suddenly crashed down on top of him.

Reno laughed hysterically as the helicopter maneuvered away from the two and landed softly in the snow. Everyone piled out, bringing containers with food and drink with them, losing sight of Reno in the process. The helicopter took off again and followed the slope of the mountain side.

Rufus swatted snow at Tseng while the Turk shielded his eyes and tried to get off of him. "I'm sorry, Sir! Reno will be punished for this!"

The others joined them and set up for what was destined to be a very unusual party. Tseng figured that Reno wouldn't be stupid enough to strip all his clothes off in below-freezing temperatures. Then again…

"Uh…where's Reno?" asked Elena, looking around.

Just then, a red-haired maniac came flying down the mountain slope on a sled, aimed right for the rest of the party attendees. Reeve, Tseng, Elena, Rufus, Rude, and Scarlett all dodged out of the path of the Reno-driven sled. Heidegger did not get out of the way, and Reno crashed into his fat belly, making a deep, temporary dent in the fat man's body. Reno rebounded off him and got thrown back a few meters. He sat up, disoriented from the sudden stop.

"Gyaah, haa haa haa!!" Heidegger bellowed in a voice loud enough to start a few avalanches world-wide. Scarlett's "Kyaa haa haa haa…" joined him.

Reeve picked Reno up by the elbow and steadied him. "Well, kid. You just went where no man has gone before."

Reno shook his head and walked unsteadily. "Where are those frozen beer-pops?" he staggered in the direction of the coolers they'd hauled with them.

While Reno got his booze-on-a-stick, Elena scooped up a handful of snow and balled it up. She threw it at Tseng and hit his back with it. Tseng turned as if to say, oh, no…I'm not stooping to that level. But Rude made a snowball and hurled it back at Elena in Tseng's defense.

Scarlett and Heidegger attacked the stash of hard liquor while the others scuffled in a brief snowball fight. Their version of sampling everything was to down the entire flask at once.

Heidegger was the first one wobbling from the alcohol. He staggered out onto the frozen lake and belly-flopped onto it. He crashed through the ice and into the frigid water beneath.

"I'll save you, Heiddy Darling!!" Scarlett ran and slid across the ice on her belly. She reached out to Heidegger, but he was too heavy and only succeeded in pulling her in with him. The two floundered around for a while, and Scarlett yelled out for help.

The snowball fighters looked their way and shrugged. Usually Scarlett escaped drowning by drinking the entire vat of what ever she'd fallen into. Which probably explained her frequent liking to visiting vineyards.

"This one's for you, Rude," Reno said, handing his partner a deep purple colored Popsicle.

Rude licked it. "Tastes like Rum."

"Because it is!" said Reno. "Beer-pops. Rum-pops. Vodka-pops. Chernobyl-pops. I thought of everything!"

The lake was big enough that the crater Heidegger had made in its frozen surface did not compromise the rest of its integrity. Elena pressured Tseng to put on some ice skates with her and go out onto the lake.

"Um…Elena, I've never been good at skating," he said sheepishly.

"Don't worry. I'll hold your hand."

Reno licked a Vodka-pop but then saw Tseng shuffling his feet out on the ice. "Finish this for me, Rude!" he said, shoving the pop into Rude's other hand. He ran off.

Elena skated smoothly next to Tseng whose feet never seemed to go in the same direction as one another. "Relax, Tseng. Pretend you're standing in the office." She let go of him and skated just out of his reach.

Tseng's knees bowed together, then one foot slipped outward. He teetered on rigid legs, his arms out to the side for balance. Elena nearly giggled at the gritted-teeth expression on his face.

Reno was enjoying it, too, sneaking up behind him. He leaned in next to Tseng's ear and shouted, **"Hi'ya Boss!!"**

Tseng totally freaked, lost his footing under him, and fell like a rock, right on his ass.

Reno laughed hysterically and ran off along the icy surface in his boots. Tseng couldn't even scramble to his feet to catch the punk without slipping time after time. Elena had half a mind to follow, but instead got Tseng to stand back up on his skates.

Reeve was there when Reno got off the lake and back to the snow-covered land. He thumped the kid on the back. "You've got guts, Reno. Let me take one last look at you before Tseng tears you to shreds."

Reno grinned. "Tseng likes being humiliated," he said plainly in self-deception. He made his way over to Rude. "Getting nice and drunk yet, Rude?"

"I don't get as think as you drunk I do…" Rude slurred, licking a potent Chernobyl Pop.

"At'ta-boy, Rude," he pat his companion's shoulder. "A few more Chernobyl Pops and you'll have yourself a good melt-down. Ha, ha, ha, ha…!"

Elena finally skated Tseng to the edge of the lake and let him off on nice firm snow-covered land. "Geesh! That's gonna be the talk of the Christmas party," she said. "Tseng Wulong…Turk. Can't skate his way out of a paper bag."

"I have ways of silencing people, you know…"

"Has anyone seen Rufus?" asked Reeve.

They looked around, knowing that Rufus' white coat may camouflage him a little with the scenery. They didn't see the VP, but they did see a thin trail of white dust zipping down the mountain.

"What's that!?" asked Elena.

The dust cloud got closer, and they could see that it was someone riding a sled. With Reno already accounted for, it had to be Rufus.

The VP's coat flapped in the wind behind him as he sped down the side of the valley on his Radio Flyer at an unstoppable speed. The Turks scattered to avoid the crazy kid. Tseng turned back after Rufus sped past them.

"Master Rufus, sir! You're going to hit the lake!" Tseng tried to run after Rufus and onto the ice but only succeeded in belly-flopping unceremoniously on the surface.

"We'll save him!" said Elena as she and Reno skated out onto the ice.

"Whoo-hoo!!" Rufus cried as his sled's runners dug 2 trails in the ice behind him.

"Rufus, you idiot!!" screamed Scarlett, bobbing half frozen in the hole Heidegger had made in the ice. She waved her arms, hoping he'd steer around her before they collided.

He had a ravenous look on his face that said he wouldn't mind taking her head off today. He didn't veer off. Scarlett ducked under the water as the Radio Flyer zoomed above her. She'd raised her hands and caught hold of the runners so the sled pulled her out of the water as it went by.

The extra weight slowed Rufus down rapidly. As the sled stopped, he scowled at her for ruining his fun. Reno and Elena caught up with them on the far end of the lake.

"You stupid bitch!" Rufus yelled at her.

Scarlett was flailing her arms as her entire lower body was encased in a block of ice. Reno stood her up like a punching dummy.

"Hey, Elena, watch," said the young Turk, grinning. He slapped Scarlett's face repeatedly, standing just out of her shorter arm's reach so she couldn't slap him back. Left cheek, right cheek, left cheek…

"Stop!! Stop!!!" Scarlett screamed. "I'll get you for this!!"

Elena, Rufus, and Reno walked off leaving Scarlett stuck there like a chess piece. When they got back, Rude was giggling drunkenly.

"Reno, look…" he slurred. "I wrote my name in the snow…"

Reno looked at Rude's handiwork. "In yellow ink…how nice, Rude," he played. "Hey come here. I want you to test something out for me."

Rude followed helplessly. Reno brought him to the place where the chain link fence started.

"Rude, I dare you to stick your tongue on that pole."

Rude stuck his tongue out and leaned in towards the first pole holding the fence up. "Uuuuu… Uh, no, Reno," he withdrew, some reason still in his head.

"Hmm…sounds like you haven't had enough Chernobyl Pops. Come on, Rude! I dared you! Are you gonna be a wuss about this? The pole can't hurt you! It's an inanimate object."

"Uuuuu…" Rude stuck his tongue out again and leaned toward the pole, but subconsciously, he held back and would not commit. He leaned back a bit, hesitant. He brought his tongue back into his mouth for warmth briefly then stuck it back out and inched towards the pole again.

Reno folded his arms impatiently. He wasn't gonna let Rude get away. Since the guy was taking entirely too long, Reno sped things up by smacking Rude hard in the back of the head with his palm. The force pushed Rude's face towards the pole, getting his tongue stuck to the cold metal as was his intent all along.

"Aaaaaa!!! Uuuuuugh!!!" Rude cried over and over.

"Oh, calm down, Rude! It's not like you ever talk or anything." Reno walked away.

Tseng was waiting for him with folded arms and a stern gaze. "You're well on your way of earning another week from hell," he said plainly.

"I can take it, Tseng. The question is…can you?" he winked suggestively.

Rufus crept up behind Elena with a hand full of snow. In one swift move, he pulled the back of her jacket and dumped the snow down her back.

Elena squealed, and Rufus ran off. "You BRAT!!!" she screamed, scooping a handful of snow and hurling it ineffectively. "Do that again and I'm gonna stick your dick on the pole next to Rude's tongue!!"

"That's not a snowball, Elena," said Reno in reference to the wad of pixie dust she'd tried to throw. "_This_…now _this_ is a snowball!" He handed her a round, solid mass.

"What is this, Reno? A cue ball!?"

"No need to insult Rude twice in one day, Elena. It's a snowball…dunked in water."

"An ice ball…" Elena said with mild reprimand.

"Well, yeah… Watch." He took it from her and hurled it like a baseball pitcher in Tseng's direction.

Tseng flinched last minute and the ice ball struck his shoulder without shattering. "RENO!!!" He picked the unbroken ice ball up and hurled it back at him.

Reno dodged the ball, and it continued on and got stuck in the side of the Snow Mog's head that Reeve was building.

"Hey, watch it guys!" he yelled.

Reno strolled up to Reeve and his snow creation. "Um…Reeve. That is the most _predictable,_ and _cliché_ thing that anyone can do in the snow! Well, aside from writing their name in piss and all…" He turned around, and Elena was lying on the ground making a snow angel impression while Tseng watched. "Oh, man…where will the insanity end…!?" Reno staggered off for a Rum Pop.

Elena sat up and carefully climbed out of her snow angel impression without wrecking it. She and Tseng were alerted to the only present sound. It was Rude in his present distress.

"Think we should get Rude's tongue off that pole before it gets frost-bitten?" she asked the boss.

"I'm not going any where near that pole or Reno'll sneak up on me and push _my_ tongue onto it as well."

Elena pulled a gun out from inside her jacket. "Don't worry. I'll cover you."

"Elena, we don't need to use weapons against our Turk brothers."

"Well, I can't exactly give him a swift kick in the nuts. He's too fast for me. Besides, you know he wears a cup every where he goes."

"No, I didn't know that, but I'll keep it in mind."

In the distance, they heard Reno yell, "That fucking idiot!!"

Tseng and Elena turned in time to see another cloud of snow trailing the Radio Flyer down the valley's wall with Rufus on board for the kill. The sled was heading right for Reno, who side-stepped and reached out a long arm to grab the back of Rufus' coat. Rufus was successfully yanked off the sled. The sled continued on across the lake and plowed into the block of ice encasing Scarlett's lower body, shattering it and thus freeing her.

"Look what you did, you Brat!!" Reno held the collar of Rufus' jacket in one fist with the other fist cocked back for the punch.

"Reno, that's the Vice President!!" Tseng yelled, running towards them. "Don't you dare!!"

Reno paused in indecision. Meanwhile, Rufus scooped a handful of loose snow and threw it in Reno's face, the ice crystals stinging the Turk's eyes, forcing him to withdraw.

"Kyaa, haa, haa, haa!! Free at last!!" Scarlett tried to dance, but her legs were numb from the cold. She fell over and right back into the same hole in the ice that she and Heidegger had fallen into earlier. "Get me out of here!!! I swear I'll drink the entire lake if I have to!!"

Rufus shrugged. "Fine, let her. Might make an interesting color scheme to have mountains capped with yellow snow." He went to retrieve his sled for more mischief.

"Let's go inside the cabin and warm up, Elena," said Tseng, wearily shaking his head. "This is getting nuts."

They started to walk towards the cabin, but Elena stopped. "But, what about Rude?"

"Oh, yeah…" Tseng turned around. "Actually, why didn't I think of this sooner…" He unleashed the low-level spell from his Fire materia and directed it at Rude. The momentary warmth was enough to unstick Rude's tongue from the steel pole.

Rude sat in the snow for a bit, stupefied. He then laughed drunkenly and got to his feet, looking closely at the pole. A little more drunken laughter, and he experimented by sticking his tongue on the pole again, daring it to do the same thing to him twice.

"Uuuuu…. Uuuuuuu….! Aaaaaaaa!!!"

Tseng waved him off. "I give up."

While Tseng and Elena were inside enjoying hot drinks, Reeve was adding smaller moggles to his family of snow creations. He was just about done and ready to go inside himself when Rufus came zipping down the valley wall again on his sled and plowed into all the little moggles. When he collided into the large snow mog, it didn't give way like the littler ones did. Rufus ended up splattered into the side of the snow mog, his body impressed into it.

"Rufus!! It took me an hour to make all those!!" Reeve yelled at the groggy V.P.

Rufus fell backwards out of the side of the snow mog and lay dazed on the ground. Reeve was fuming, but he was naturally compassionate enough to help Rufus sit up and make sure he was okay.

Rufus shook his head to clear his disorientation. He looked up at the big Rufus-print in the side of the giant mog. "Darn," he said. "I'll have to try again. Maybe if I start from higher up…"

"Rufus!!" Reeve sort of growled. "What is the matter with you today!?" he shook the young man by the shoulders, but Rufus just slumped, and Reeve had to hold him up. "Poor boy…" Reeve said, lifting Rufus up and carrying him up to the cabin, leaving the Radio Flyer stuck in the side of the big mog.

On the way, Reeve looked to his left and saw Rude in distress, making all sorts of unintelligible noises. He picked up his pace and more or less dumped Rufus onto a couch inside the cabin.

"What's this all about!?" asked Elena as Reeve was fleeing.

"I'll tell you in a minute!" Reeve said, zipping out the door with his thermos of coffee.

Tseng and Elena just exchanged looks, probably both wondering how many Chernobyl Pops Reeve had had.

Reeve went to Rude next. He couldn't use materia himself, but if only Cait Sith were here… So instead, he used the hot coffee, pouring it onto Rude's tongue to break the cold bond that was sticking it to the metal.

As Rude was freed, Reno descended upon them. "Hey!!"

"Go to the cabin, Rude, and sober up," said Reeve.

Reno let the bald man go, but he glared at Reeve for interfering. "I should have known," said Reno. "Your father must have been a Saint Bernard!"

"Remember that the next time _you_ need rescuing."

Reno followed Reeve. With everyone moving inside the cabin for the time, he was running short on victims.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to rescue Scarlett and Heidegger yet," Elena said to Reeve inside.

"I had half a mind to, but they're not exactly worth risking my life for."

"Technically, Heidegger is our superior," said Tseng. "He might not take kindly to our neglecting to help him out."

"He's so fucking drunk right now, he'll never remember!" said Reno.

"Besides," said Rufus, "perhaps I've ordered you _not_ to help him out."

"Still…" Tseng said. "I think those two have had enough, and perhaps we should do _some_thing."

"You kidding?" Reno jumped in. "All our strength combined couldn't pull Heidegger's mass out of there, water or no water. What if we _all_ fell in, too? Then who'd rescue us?"

"Good point," Rufus grinned.

"Come on. We can use materia." Tseng put his coat on and was the first one out the door.

"Hmm…Tseng's not drunk enough yet," Reno decided, but followed anyway.

Tseng got as close as he could get to the hole in the ice without getting past areas that his boots wouldn't grip the snow on top of the frozen surface. Heidegger was floating with Scarlett's body draped across his belly. He was looking more bloated than usual.

"Hang on. I'll get you guys out." He fiddled with the materia he had in indecision, wondering what the right combo might be to make it work. He could refreeze the surface with Ice, or he could melt a path to shallower water with Fire.

Reno laughed. "Hey, Heidegger! How does someone as fat as you float instead of sink to the bottom like a rock!?"

"Because…" the fat man's bass voice rumbled. "I'm holding in all my farts!"

Reno laughed hysterically.

"No, I'm not kidding!" Heidegger continued. "In fact, I don't think I can hold them in much longer."

Reno stopped laughing, and he and Tseng took a step back.

"Abandon oasis!!" Reno screamed running ashore. Tseng trailed behind, a lot more careful on the snow-covered ice.

Everyone exited the cabin to Reno's screaming. "What's going on?" Reeve asked.

"Heidegger's gonna blow!! And we all know what that means!!" Reno screamed, yanking Rufus' Radio Flyer out of the snow mog's side.

"Wait for me!" Rufus cried, jumping onto the sled before Reno could.

Rude fetched the toboggan and he, Elena, Reeve, and Tseng piled onto it.

A thunderous rumble echoed through the valley as the cold lake seemed to boil with massive air bubbles from the only possible source. Heidegger's tremendous fart rattled the mountains and caused a sizable avalanche.

The sledders rode down the mountain, exiting the lake area by the one side not surrounded by rocky peaks as the avalanche seemed to want to advance on them.

Reno and Rufus laid pancaked together on their stomachs on the sled. Rufus was sandwiched between the sled and Reno, trying to steer around trees as they made their escape.

"You know what!?" Rufus yelled over the thundering avalanche and all the other sounds of their speed bumping down the slope. "These mountains are only snow-_capped!_ Eventually, we're gonna hit the part that's all rocks and no snow!"

"Maybe by then the avalanche will be upon us and lay out a carpet of snow for us down to the ground."

"Yeah…a _red_ carpet, with our blood! Either way, we're gonna get clobbered by kilos of snow or grated across jagged rocks. Given the option, I'll take the snow!"

"Great!" said Reno, looking behind them. "'Cause here it comes!"

A tsunami of snow washed over the six escapees and swallowed them up. The snow thundered down to the foothills and thinned out its rampage. The Turks and company stood up one by one, looking up at just how far they'd traveled in such a short time.

"Good thing I didn't use the Fire materia," said Tseng. "I'll bet the peak is very volatile right now."

"I'm beginning to think that Mako isn't the reason Midgar's so polluted," said Elena. "I'll bet all the smog comes from Heidegger's ass."

Rufus looked around and only counted 5 survivors. "Where's Reno?"

The others looked around, too, and didn't see the red-haired wonder.

"Stupid runt… I'll kill him if he's dead!" Rufus started digging in the waist-high snow.

"Ugh…hi'ya, Boss…" Reno said meekly from up in the branches of what was incidentally the only tree in the remote area.

"Reno! You're alive!" said Rufus. "I'm gonna _kill you!!_"

"All right, all right…" Reeve pushed the V.P. aside. "Can you get down?"

"Sure. As long as someone catches me."

Reeve held his arms open, ready to catch Reno as he jumped down. As Reno let himself drop out of the tree, Reeve realized that he wasn't going to be able to catch the crazy Turk. Instead, Reno crashed down on top of Rufus. Tseng roughly pulled Reno off the V.P.

"Ow, Tseng! Easy!! How do you know I haven't broken my leg or something!?"

"Because, you've had so many titanium rods put in from previous fractures that your bones are probably impossible to break."

"_One_ rod, Tseng! _One_ rod! Hey…come on! Let me go!!"

Tseng dragged him off for a hellish reprimand while they waited for their transportation to come retrieve them.

**THE END**

AUTHOR'S NOTES: An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2002. Comments welcome. Future edits pending. Originally called Turk Party #26 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	10. Reno's Surprise Party

_Turks Party 10 – Reno's Surprise Party  
By: Zeng Li_

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic has been modified from its original version to now include additional Turks characters as found in FF7: Before Crisis. The names Damon, Rodney, Rafe, Kira, Samantha, Lené, Adrian, Sonja, and Veld are names for some of the 'Before Crisis' Turks and may appear in this and other fics written by me.

"What do you mean, Reno's throwing a surprise birthday party?" asked Tseng, as if it were odd or something.

"Yeah," replied Elena.

"For _himself!?_"

Elena just shrugged. "He says no one else is willing to throw him a surprise party, so he's forced to do it himself. And we all know how Reno can be about doing things himself when he's got no one else around…"

"Yeah, I try not to think about that. Well, being as you're a Rookie and weren't around for it," said Tseng, "we did throw a surprise birthday party for Reno…exactly _once!_ It was kind of over before it started. When he turned on the lights and we all yelled 'Surprise!', he pulled his EMR and hit Commander Veld in the stomach. He's got good instincts and reaction speed, but under the circumstances, it was less than appreciated."

Elena lightly giggled, overlooking just how potentially serious the situation could've been at the time. "How'd Veld take it?"

"Let's just say not well, all right?"

"Well, won't it at least be safer if Reno's not going to be surprised by his own surprise party?"

"Yeah..." Tseng said, wringing his hands together. "Well, it's supposed to be a surprise party. Perhaps we should make sure that it is for him, like it or not."

"Uh-oh. Should we wear body armor vests?"

"No, no, Elena. Leave this one to me..."

They had the president's villa in Coasta del Sol all to themselves. The back yard was large and completely fenced in, which was great for keeping drunk Turks in and the public out. Reno made a lot of preparations for his own party despite the others insisting that he chill out and enjoy his day.

"I'm the best at throwing parties around here," he had argued with them. "I've seen the other parties through the years that you guys tried to host. I mean, come on! You just eat food, listen to music, and talk to one another at the parties everyone else throws. At mine, there's games, nudity, and occasional bodily harm!"

Those present when Reno said that could all feel the sting or ache of their most memorable Turk party injury come back and haunt them even if it had been long gone for years.

"This is the president's villa, Reno!" Tseng was sure to remind him. "That means no puking on the carpet, no fireworks in the toilet, and no setting fire to the roof or walls." On a second thought, he really needed to expand the list of things Reno wasn't able to do, but with the moment upon them, he just didn't have an extra week to lay out the ground rules, nor publish them in a hardcover book like they would probably need.

When the party was set to begin, Reno emerged onto the patio wearing his birthday suit in order to commemorate that day 24 years ago...

"Oh, no, Reno...!" the long-haired Kira scolded. She intercepted Reno as he stepped outside and tried to shove him back into the villa with the intent of dressing him herself if he refused to cooperate.

Reno batted her hands away. "What!? I'm not naked! I'm wearing my party hat! See?" he straightened the colorful cone-shaped paper hat on top of his head.

"Well you could at least wear it _down there_ where it can cover up at least half of your lewdness!" Kira retorted, pointing but refusing to look down at what made Reno male.

"Uh...say, Reno," said Rodney, turning his head part way so to catch the naked Turk only by the corner of his eye. "How's about you just get straight to opening your presents. Maybe someone like Tseng bought you some clothes or something."

Elena shoved a rather flat box in front of Reno as if she'd been prompted to let her gift cut in line.

Reno sat down and reclined back on a lounge chair, allowing one leg to lazily drop over one side. Everyone made it a point to remember to steer clear of that chair for the rest of the night. Reno grabbed the tie around the box, wrestling with Elena's tight and meticulous application of the gift garnish. Finally, he got frustrated and went all out yanking, his fingers turning white from pulling against the stubborn ribbon.

"Oh, geezsh..." Elena took the gift from his hands and pulled on a little cord of ribbon hanging out from behind the bow in the center. The ribbon neatly loosened its grip around the package and fell off. She thrust the half-opened gift back to him.

Reno narrowed his eyes at her for a moment and tore open the paper. He opened the box underneath and found a new pair of birthday-party themed boxer shorts. "Oh, how nice of you, Elena..."

"Heh..." she coiled her arms up shyly. "I'm sure I don't stand alone in wanting to see you try them on right now. You know…be sure they fit and all."

"Yes. I'll keep that in mind." Reno defied her, keeping the garment in its box and placing it on the ground next to the lounge chair.

Elena scowled, picking the box back up. "What I _meant_ was...for you to put them on _now...!!_" She removed the underwear from the box and dropped them into his lap, specifically covering up a certain exposed bodily feature.

"Oh, very well. I know how easily women's feelings get hurt." He made a show of putting them on, to the point everyone turned away until he was done. The little cartoonish birthday cakes with little candles in them was far less offensive to all. "But I'll let you know, I do it under protest."

Rodney was right there with another gift for the birthday Turk. The black tee-shirt inside the gift box from Rod had a comical, somewhat adult themed cartoon and saying on it. Reno was happy to put it on if only to remind everyone how obnoxious his sense of humor could be.

Reeve had gone the conservative, somewhat dull route and bought Reno a CD containing a different variety of party songs including the most obvious, "Party Weekend" by Joe King Carrasco. Tseng bought him a bottle of his favorite hard liquor from Wutai. Most the other gifts, however, ranged in the category of comical and even somewhat 'adult' items.

Rufus, the only non-Turk there aside from Reeve, had also put a lot of thought into getting the most suitable gift for the young punk. All the minutes he'd spent debating what to get someone who otherwise doesn't need anything all culminated in the form of the only gift that seemed appropriate.

Reno tore open the paper and found a wooden plaque. Inscribed in it was a dedication to addressed to Reno of the Turks, designating his status as "Pouf of the Year".

"What is this!?" Reno gasped. "A Pouf of the Year Award!? Is it that you think I'm queer, or did your daddy get this for you and you just had your name changed to mine? You know I like women!"

Reeve stifled a laugh.

"Could've fooled me," said Rufus. "For someone who loves himself as much as you love yourself, I see no other alternative. Even if the man you love more than any woman is yourself, that's still kind of queer. You gotta admit that. And that's without having to go into any detail about what you do when you're all alone in bed."

"Can someone shut him up!" Reno snapped. "Dammit, next year I'm inviting his old man to my party just so I can see the little runt get humiliated."

"You're gonna let the president see you sunning your wee-wee on the lawn of his villa, be my guest," said Rufus. "Although it's so small, maybe he won't notice."

Reno went to bolt at the VP, but Rude and Damon held him back. Reno tried to pull his shoulders out of their grasp. "Get off of me before I drag you into this mess too."

"Heh… _Drag…_" Rufus tortured the redhead a little longer, especially while the two strongest Turks restrained him. "Yaoi-boy…"

Tseng nudged Rufus in the ribs. "Stop. Both of you…or who knows if we'll ever be allowed to use the president's villa for stunts like this again."

Reno let the issue slide. He looked back at the wooden plaque and did find it rather amusing even though he'd never verbalize it. "Hey..." the birthday Turk said. "My present to myself hasn't arrived yet."

Damon folded his arms and looked at his partner. "Oh? And what would that be?"

"A stripper of course!"

Everyone laughed. "Male or female?" Rafe asked suspiciously.

Reno stood up and pushed Rafe away from him. "I think you all know the answer to that."

Rufus snickered and muttered under his breath, "Of course we do…Yaoi-boy..."

"What did you say!?" Reno turned to him.

Rufus smiled deviously and looked past him, motioning very deliberately for a distraction. "Oh, look. Tseng's bringing the birthday cake out."

Elena took Reno by the hand and lead him to the table. "Come on! We have to sing 'Happy Birthday' to you..."

"Let's not and say we did..." grumbled Reno, taking his position seated in front of the towering mound of sugar and calories. "Hey...! Why is there only one candle on it? I thought I told you to put twenty-four! Did Elena read something on line recently about the more birthday candles someone blows out, the more little dots of spit land on the cake?"

"Uh..." Tseng covered, eyeing Rufus whose devious look almost stood out in the crowd. "With that shore breeze blowing in, we'll be lucky if the one stays lit. Just deal with it, okay?"

After they got done singing "Happy Birthday", Reno blew out the lone candle on the cake. Elena pulled the candle out of the cake and licked the glob of icing off the bottom of it.

"Ugh...the icing is bland," she said.

"Shhh..." said Rufus, taking up a position behind Reno. Elena looked at him sideways. "Happy birthday, yaoi-boy..." Rufus said teasingly. He placed his open hand on the back of Reno's head and pushed the birthday boy's face into the cake and held him down as long as he could.

It turned out that the cake was phony, upon Rufus' special request. It was little more than a prop of mostly whipped cream staged for this very specific purpose. Reno lifted his head as soon as he could and wiped the cream away from his eyes in time to see Rufus run for his life.

"Why you...!!!" Reno took what was left of the pile of cream in hand and chased Rufus around the enclosed yard. Revenge was going to be sweet, if not bitter, as long as Reno had his way.

Tseng and the other gentlemen laughed. "There you go, Reno. A little payback from all of us for everything you've done at prior parties…mainly to me, but I'm sure there's enough revenge in that for everyone." said Tseng, grinning for the first time probably all day.

"That was _so mean!_" whined Elena, apparently the only Turk present who hadn't yet been sufficiently embarrassed at one of his parties.

Reeve laughed too. "This has turned out to be far more amusing than we originally expected."

They watched Reno corner Rufus' back against the fence. The VP tried to bolt to one side, but Reno's long arms caught him in a head-lock, toppling them both to the ground. The Turk pressed a knee down into the younger man's back to keep him down.

"No...!!" Rufus cried as Reno grabbed him by the hair with one hand and held the plate of cream under his nose for an agonizing few seconds. Once Rufus suffered enough, Reno pushed the cream into the VP's face. Rufus clawed blindly to get the deranged Turk away from him, and Reno didn't back down until he'd rubbed as much cream on the pesky VP's face and hair as he could.

Everyone back on the patio just laughed hysterically, enjoying the messy good show but also probably helping to fuel Reno's vengeance even more. Finally, after the VP had had enough, Reno used the bottom of Rufus' trench coat to wipe the bulk of the remaining cream off his own face then gave the boy's shoulder one last shove. He slicked his cream-infested red hair back as he returned to the patio, eyeing the crowd for any possible cohorts.

"Good one, Reno!" Rodney pat his friend's back.

Reno ignored him and got right into Tseng's face. "This was _your_ idea, wasn't it!?"

Tseng shrugged. "I guess I can't lie... Take it like a man, Reno."

Reno shoved him aside and stormed into the house to clean up, a black cloud hovering over him all the while. He would remember Tseng's words if only to use them against him one day when the tables were turned.

"Don't worry. The _real_ cake is in the fridge, so no repeat performances on this one, okay…amusing as it would be," said Tseng, turning to go into the house and get it.

Samantha shuffled across the yard to the corner of the fence where Rufus was just getting up. She held his arm and helped him to his feet. "Mister Vice President, sir!?" She handed him a cloth handkerchief which wouldn't be enough to finish the job.

Rufus wiped his face and laughed. "I guess it was worth it to piss him off like that. We probably won't get another opportunity in a long time."

Reno came back out of the villa with wet hair from a quick shower under the kitchen faucet. He returned to the patio dressed in cut-off jeans shorts and an unbuttoned flowery tropical shirt. Meanwhile, Elena and Samantha had gotten Rufus cleaned up a little and into the shower.

"Come on..." Tseng lead the birthday boy back to the table. "Here's the _real_ birthday cake. No tricks this time, I promise."

Reno couldn't help but be on the guard, but all went well. The cake was delicious, all hand-made and decorated by Lené.

After having real cake, Reno started the party games. "Well, I thought about playing musical chairs today, but the boss kinda caught me trying to attach dildos to the middle of the seats," he said, briefly eyeing Tseng for spoiling his attempt at fun earlier in the day. "Man, that would have been so much fun…"

"Reno!! You're sick!!" Elena yelled, punching a solid fist into his arm.

"Ow!!" Reno rubbed the point of contact. "Be a sport, Elena. Especially since the back-up party game is Pin the Prick on the Dick. ...Or was it Pin the Dick on the Prick. Whatever!"

"Uh, Reno..." Rude walked up to him. "Can we just forget the pin-the-_thingy_-on-the-stud game and do something else us _heterosexual_ guys might enjoy?"

"Like what?" Reno asked as if there were to be no other alternative to his sick partying madness.

Lené sniggered. "Like, maybe we got another fake cake around here somewhere…"

Reno's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, well if you happen to have one of those, why don't you go attack Tseng with it! Heaven knows I've been trying for years to get his face all messy. Maybe you'll have better luck than me. Meanwhile, how's about we break open the piñata Elena brought?"

"Sounds harmless enough," Tseng replied.

Elena looked at the bizarre way Reno had hung her piñata. "Reno! That's supposed to be a heart shaped piñata! Why did you hang it upside down?"

Reno ran the back of his fingers down her cheek, somewhat enticingly. "So...this way it looks more like your fanny, my dear..."

Elena's eyes widened, the red blood vessels in them enlarging. She cocked a fist back, but her older sister beat her to the punch. Lené struck him square in the jaw, too impatient to wait for her hesitating sister to do it first.

Reno staggered backwards, Rodney catching him by the shoulders while he recovered from the shock. Meanwhile, Elena went to the piñata and turned it right side up to its proper heart shape.

Reno rubbed his jaw and shook his head, stepping away from Rod. "Well, well, my dear lady with the temperament. Perhaps you would like to take some of your anger out by taking the first few whacks?" He handed Lené the wooden stick and immediately backed out of striking distance before the swipe he expected came swinging his way.

Rude came up behind her and wrapped the blindfold over her eyes. "This way," he said, turning her around by the shoulders a few times and lining her up vaguely with the piñata. Tseng leaned back against the patio fence and watched, his grin set firmly in place.

First Lené then Elena. Elena took many whacks, but despite her aggression and determination, she was unable to crack it open. A few other guys took their turn after her, Reno volunteering to face off against the piñata, once it became apparent that after just a few more blows, it would burst.

He took his first swing at it, but the stick just deflected off at a weak angle. He held the stick out to feel the piñata's location before taking his next swing. The ocean breeze kicked up, blowing the piñata away from where he thought it was. The next thing he heard was a sudden yelp and groan from one of the guys. He removed the blindfold and saw Tseng doubled over, arms overlapped near his groin.

"Aw, too bad, Tseng. You should've worn your door prize... Why do you think I give them out at all my parties? Lucky and safe for the night is the man who wins it." Reno said mockingly to him.

Tseng just grunted. "Veld...I feel your pain. Is this the fate that befalls all Turk leaders on Reno's birthday?" he muttered almost inaudibly.

"What was that?" Reno asked.

"Nothing…"

Kira came up behind him and took the blindfold to replace it over Reno's eyes. "Don't worry about it," said the female Turk, tying the cloth into place. "Come on! Go get that piñata! Pretend its Tseng's groin."

Reno took another determined swing, followed by another, and another. And, finally, the piñata broke open and spilled its bounty. He dropped the stick and pulled of his blindfold, expecting fierce competition diving for the prizes. His fingers dove into the pile before his eyes realized what was there. Then, he felt the cold wetness on his fingers and his eyes finally registered what had come out of the piñata.

"_EEEEEEEWW!!! SNAILS...!!!!!!!!_" Reno screamed, falling backwards onto his rump and scurrying back away from the live creatures. "Who put fucking _snails_ in the piñata!?" Everyone behind him laughed hysterically. "Where are all the adult toys that were supposed to be in there!? You know...condoms...dildo keychains…troll dolls...tubes of lube...!?"

Rude thumbed his own chest. "That would be me, although it was really group consensus."

Tseng reached a hand down and pulled Reno to his feet. "Ha, ha, ha... Having fun yet, birthday boy?" he said.

"_You!!_ You're the one behind all of today's pranks, aren't you? The snails...the cake in the face... I suppose you also have the volley ball game rigged as well, huh!?" Reno walked up to net and basket filled with a half dozen balls. He pulled one ball out of the basket and held it, pushing against it, seeing if it were set to pop or something.

The others watched him as he pulled every ball out of the basket and thoroughly examined it for any signs of sabotage. Reno threw down the last ball, still not trusting the fact that he didn't find anything. He folded his arms across his chest and faced the gathering of suspects and potential pranksters.

"All right!? I give up! How'd you guys rig the volley ball game to backfire against me? Huh!? I know you did something, and you can't lie to me cuz half the rookies have crooked grins!"

No words were exchanged, but Reno suddenly began scratching the back of one hand. Then the other got itchy. Then his arms and chest got itchy where his hands had come in contact with other parts of his skin. Finally, he was engulfed in an all-out itch-scratching session, battling to relieve more body parts than he could reach at once. The laughter coming from the others confirmed his suspicion.

"Next door-prize jock strap you win, Tseng, I swear I will get back at you for this!!" Reno yelled, feverishly scratching at anywhere the itching powder had gotten to.

"That's the oldest, most predictable frat joke in the book, Reno," said Reeve.

"I thought there was just a fine coating of sand..." Reno staggered back into the villa for his second shower of the day. "Arrrgh!!"

Tseng made a show of clapping his hands together. "Good, semi-clean fun. That was kind of amusing."

"It's hard to embarrass Reno," said Rafe, brushing back locks of dark gray hair. "Although I don't quite think we embarrassed him adequately."

"True," said Rufus. "Embarrassing Reno is a near impossible task, even when left to the pros."

"Didn't Reno say something about ordering a stripper?" Elena asked, suddenly worried that the day's absurdities weren't over yet.

Tseng gasped. "Damn...! I haven't done a thing about that. I don't even know where Reno hired that one from, or even if it's a he or a she."

Rufus laughed. "I know where... The same place dad hires 'em from for _my_ birthday parties...and a few other assorted company functions... But enough of that for now. Don't worry, Tseng. I'll field this one for you." The VP winked and walked into the villa.

Rufus was on the phone in the living room when Reno came out of the shower. Reno hardly regarded the VP as it seemed to be a personal call to someone he knew very well. Reno got back into his shorts and tropical shirt and returned to the patio.

"Well..." he addressed everyone. "I was in the shower thinking of ways to embarrass Tseng for all this setting me up he's done today."

"And..." Tseng added on. "Surely you realized that all I've done is simply to get back at you for all the embarrassing things you've pulled on me these past several months."

"That's beside the point..." Reno said, making Tseng a little peeved that he didn't even acknowledge that long list of things that pissed his boss off so much. "So, all I can think to do given the present circumstances is the one thing I _always_ do, and it never fails..."

Tseng saw Reno advancing towards him and instinctually guarded the waist of his trousers in case two pale skinned hands were about to yank them down. Instead, Reno caught Tseng by the sides of his head and plunged his lips forward. He gave Tseng the kiss to end all kisses. In mock passion, he savored Tseng's lips, claiming them for his own and kissing roughly so that the Turk leader had to squirm to get him off.

Finally, Reno broke off the kiss, releasing Tseng to stagger back a few steps wiping his mouth with his beach jacket sleeve. Tseng feverishly tried to erase the kiss from memory if not any other way. "I sincerely worry about you, Reno."

"It's fool-proof and works every time. I think of it as my Ace of Spades." Reno walked away. "So. When is that stripper getting here. I haven't had a good strip tease since those practice sessions I performed in front of the mirr -- Oh... guess you don't need to know about that."

"Yaoi-boy..." Rude muttered in a low voice.

"What was that you're yappin'!?" Reno barked at Rude, having heard it clear enough. "Well, then. If you must know, the stripper I hired for today is a very pretty, buxom babe. I think all of you guys will be drooling equally as much once you see her. In fact, anyone who doesn't drool over her will get a Pouf Award."

"Are you sure about that?" Rufus asked, the effect of his question getting a little lost in the comment about Elena. But at least he knew what was to come.

"I'm rather surprised you didn't just put on your own strip show for us," said Tseng. "But then again, you pretty much do that at every party you throw, we're bored of it anyway."

"You can't possibly get bored with my stripping."

It didn't take long for the stripper to show up. She came in wearing a long red dress and a broad-rimmed hat with a sideways plume of feathers so that as she walked with her head down, it hid her face. The majority of the guy Turks diverted their attention from other things to her as she strutted her high heels through the sand...except for Rufus who was in on this joke by himself.

Reno's tongue hung out of his mouth, and instantly, his shorts got just a little bit tighter. "Ooooh...! Come to me, baby...!!" he teased. "Show me what you got!!"

The woman walked, dramatically shifting her hips to entice. But then, she pulled her feathery hat off.

"_Scarlet!!?_" Reno shrieked, any feelings of arousal completely lost in a fraction of a second.

She smiled, her cherry red lips puckering. "Should I slap you, Reno? I heard you've been a bad boy today."

"Reno!?" Rufus got on him. "Why the hell did you hire _Scarlet_ as the stripper!? Are you out of your fucking mind!?"

"I _didn't!!_ This isn't the bimbo I hired!! It's a different, uglier bimbo!!"

Scarlet popped open the top of her dress, a mere inch away from revealing too much. Rufus hung around to watch his handiwork, inwardly grinning at his change in Reno's plans.

"Rufus!! I _swear!!_ I did not hire her as the stripper for tonight!" Reno was clearly sweating, looking like a trapped animal.

"Why? Oh that's right…the freak you hired was some hunkish stud with balls the size of grapefruits, right, Yaoi-boy!?" Rufus winked at him.

Scarlet advanced on them, shaking her chest to draw attention to her probably artificially enhanced goods. Reno stepped back and grabbed the Vice President, shoving Rufus between himself and the blond Shinra executive. "Get away from me, witch!! Take Rufus instead! He's not a Pouf and likes you."

"Stop it!!" Rufus flailed, trying to get away from Scarlet even if it meant helping Reno get away at the same time. "I don't want her even if she were the last female on the planet!"

"Why's that!?" Reno said, he and Rufus stumbling away from Scarlet together. "Is she your mother?"

"What!? Hell no!" Rufus got to his feet and scrambled away.

Reno gathered his feet under him as well, darting off along a similar path Rufus had already gone. His foot slipped on the pile of snails under the broken piñata and pitched him forward. His abdomen collided with the edge of the patio table, knocking the wind out of him, and he fell face first into the left over portion of the birthday cake.

He hadn't come to his senses enough to hear what all the laughter behind him was for, but he nearly had a heart attack when he lifted his head out of the cake and saw Scarlet standing beside him with a fork full of birthday cake. "Surprise, Yaoi-Boy," she said, feeding him the cake before he could react. He had no stamina left, and there was no way he could win today. It certainly had all been a surprise party for him after all.

**THE END**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2000, fully edited & revised November 2007. Comment if you liked this story. Originally called Turk Party #12 at original web posting site. Renumbered for posting.


	11. The End

_Turks Party 34 – The End  
_By: _Zeng Li_

AUTHOR'S VERY IMPORTANT NOTES: For the record, I have not written an all-new "Turk Party" fic since 2005. This is the final one I am going to write, and it's actually been in the works for nearly 18 months now. It has always been planned to hold a double-meaning. Not only does it draw an end to the Turk Party series, but it also weaves in implications as to how I feel as a writer. See if you can figure it out. ("Other" characters named are Turks from _FF7: Before Crisis_.)

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It had been a while since the Shinra group got together off of company time to just hang out and loosen up. The rigors of the job made them not even miss their customary Friday night parties, but once their schedules freed up, it was inevitable to happen again one day.

Everyone felt great. A party was just what they needed to relax following a trying situation that had taken everyone from Midgar to Junon and to other parts of the world. Now, they were all back in Midgar. Reno took the extra cash he'd earned during his extended assignment and outfitted his townhouse with food, drink, and the most obnoxious music and stereo system he could threaten a clerk to sell him for below cost.

"Free booze!" Scarlet simply replied, pumping a fist into the air as Reno stopped by her office to remind her of the night's coming party.

Reeve just grinned, pointing the tip of his screw driver at Reno with a wink, his other hands buried in the circuitry of some robotic work in progress. In the same room, Rafe was cleaning his twin hand guns and stated that with all the action recently in Junon, he'd love an evening to kick back and chill.

Rosalind declined the invitation, but Kira was more than happy to be invited. "See you there!" she waved as Reno moved on to invite more victims.

Rufus promised that he had a new method to cheat at billiards that would be harder to detect, and in response Rude promised to be there to catch him red-handed.

Samantha was more love-struck. "I haven't spent much time with Rafe since he got back from Junon," she said. "You don't mind if we snuggle a little bit, do you?" Reno never minded snuggling and actually invited himself to join in if they wanted. Sam scowled, and Reno scampered off, leaving her wondering which of them he was hoping to snuggle with…the guy or the girl.

Damon looked forward to the party as well. Adrian agreed to be there, too, as long as Reno granted him amnesty from the sick and possibly perverse games that were a staple of the parties. Reno agreed since he was always kinder to his visually-challenged colleague.

"Hey, you're my best buddy, right!?" Rodney said, grinning ear to ear. Reno's eyes narrowed seductively for a moment before moving on to the last two potential victims on his standard guest list.

"Yo, Tseng!?" he said late in the day, walking into his boss's office.

"I know…I heard…" Tseng replied plainly to the intrusion without even hearing an invite. Elena stood beside his desk presumably there on business.

"It's just not a party without you," Reno said.

"Evidentially…"

"Blondie…?"

"Anything to be with Tseng in a casual atmosphere," she said, walking away from his desk as if her reason for visitation could wait.

It was all set. Just about everyone would be there and the Friday tradition seemed ready to rekindle into the unbridled mass of mayhem that only Reno could orchestrate.

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Twelve guests plus Reno made thirteen. There was enough food and drink for twice as many, which considering Scarlet was due to come, at least there was plenty of extra booze. Reno had even weaseled an extra hour to get ready by asking Tseng to let him leave work early.

He vacuumed the floors, not that it would matter by night's end. He hastily ran the dishwasher so guests would have something to eat and drink from, about ten percent of which was likely to be broken by midnight. He finally got around to replacing the light bulb at the top of the stairs. Pizza delivery was pre-arranged to arrive at 8pm, and pay-per-view extreme wrestling had been ordered on the TV.

Nothing would go wrong this time. In fact, he hadn't even had the time to think up a sick party game aimed at getting his boss naked, so the lucky bastard would finally have a night free of torment. Aside from a perpetual suspicion that Reno was up to something, that is.

He would win their trust again. Enough time had gone by, but prior memories were tough to erase. He'd lure them into a sense of security this time. After all, even he needed to unwind.

It was 6pm, and no one had arrived yet. Reno had amazingly gotten everything done that he needed to. For now, he sat on the sofa with his sock-covered feet up on the recently cleaned coffee table between bowls of chips and cheese doodles. His expectations drove off of the momentum of his hard work to get ready for the gathering. The TV was off, and the stereo simply laid in wait. Surely the neighbors were peering out their windows by now, for the scourge of the neighborhood had returned and it was Friday.

Fueled by his neighbors' fear and the enthusiasm of his colleagues, Reno began not enjoying the seemingly long and silent wait for his guests to arrive.

Half past six. His arms were folded across his chest, the bowl of cheese doodles in his lap. He stared blankly at the wall in front of him and the dark television set.

Seven o'clock and something was wrong. Quarter past seven, he called to cancel the pizza delivery then debated which of the delinquents he'd call first from his speed-dial.

Thumb on the send button, he switched from Tseng to Reeve to Rodney, ultimately deciding to call none of them.

A single beer went missing from the refrigerator before Reno closed his eyes and fell asleep.

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Everyone would be held accountable for their crime although none would plead guilty to ruining what was supposed to be a fun and casual event.

"Sorry, Reno," Scarlet said, still hung over the next morning. "I was already drunk and nearly passed out by the time I was supposed to go."

Reeve picked at a bandage on his thumb. "Yeah…kind of got my finger stuck in the new robot's mechanism and had to go to the E.R. for stitches," he said, wincing slightly as his picking irritated the concealed wound.

"I really needed to relax," Rafe told him when confronted. "Your parties…well…aren't to relaxing, so I stayed home and chilled. I figured you wouldn't miss me anyway."

"I was just too tired," Kira defended her absence. Samantha admitted that once she found out Rafe and Kira weren't go, she wasn't going to go either. In not so many words, she also confessed to having spent the night at Rafe's place doing a form of relaxing on their own.

Rufus had a plausible out in that he'd been detained at the office thanks to the rigors of being vice president of Shinra. Rude, however, claimed he bailed once he found out Rufus wasn't able to be there. He figured he was so quiet anyway that his absence would barely be felt above the usual degree of loudness and mayhem.

Damon claimed he had forgotten and made plans with someone else. It was a lame excuse, but inevitably someone was bound to come up with it.

"I got busy with other things and forgot," Adrian said with a shrug. "It wasn't that important to me anyway." He was, at the least, honest…also very lucky that Reno didn't like punching fellow colleague wearing glasses.

Rodney was a little shy when confronted. "Sorry," he said. "We're buddies, but I just figured you'd forgive me if I didn't show. I had no idea anyone else other than Rosalind had bailed." He was thus far the only one aside from Reeve that Reno felt like forgiving.

Tseng claimed to be a no-show because after all they'd recently been through, he really didn't want to be victimized all night by sick games and ploys to make him strip. Elena, upon hearing that Tseng refused to go, decided not to go either. Although neither of them admitted to spending the night together, Reno automatically assumed they were guilty of doing just that no matter how much they denied it.

What made everything worse is that with so many accepted invitations, no one had the decency to call him and let him know they weren't going to be there. Was it really so much to ask? A short phone call…? A text message…?

Each assuming that they were the only ones to bail out, no one found it important to let him know they weren't coming. Everyone had something more important, so important in fact that common courtesy was too much for them to extend to the host.

Bitterly returning home that night, Reno looked over his living room, feeling the ghosts of parties long past. Their echoes would remain in the walls, possibly haunting the next tenant to live there some day. He would have to get used to the empty feeling, not only in his heart, but in his home. The living room was silent, no cracks of billiard balls. No darts striking the wooden target. No spilled beverages or stepped-on cheese doodles staining the carpet.

No nothing.

**THE END**

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2008. E-mail me if you liked this story: _Zeng Li_


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